Ugh, man. Just when I was starting to think that Jersey Shore was getting boring because the cast was maturing, The Situation goes and proves me wrong. I was really impressed up until now, because Vinny was being celibate, Nicole was pregnant, Deena was in a serious relationship, Sam and Ronnie weren’t fighting, and Mike had a girlfriend and was off drugs. Sure, Deena was still getting both shit-wasted and arrested, Pauly‘s the same as ever, and Jenni was raging pretty hard and almost blowing it with Roger, but in general things were pretty impressive round about Seaside Heights.
Well that couldn’t last. Most of the things I listed above are still in effect…except ten days after making it official with Paula, Mike’s ready to make it unofficial again. Okay, yeah, that’s probably the right move. Mike will go straight to Paula and tell her how he feels, and they’ll have a nice amicable break-up and be lifelong friends. Or. ORRRRR you can tell everyone in Seaside that you want to break up with her, and let Pauly and Vinny tell people that you’re newly-single, all before you even broach the topic with her. That is also a good idea.
And it’s the one Mike decided to go with! He blabbed to approximately everyone that he was over it because she ‘became a different girl’ once she got the title. After three years of banging her with no strings attached, I guess they weirdly didn’t know that much about each other. So anyway, Paula calls Mike crying, because OF COURSE she’s heard people talking at the tanning salon where she works, about Mike and how he wants to break up with her. And what’s Mike really gonna say? So he puts her off a little bit, finds out when she works, and then gets a full car of guidos and guidettes to go do the deed. Like. Packs the car. Pauly and Vinny are on the couch with candy ‘waiting for the movie to start’. They’re literally not even there to tan. Ronnie’s around the corner doing the same thing, and Jenni and Sammi went tanning, but still. The only two people not present for this breakup were Deena and Snooki.
But even with such a large audience, things never got as violent as I think people were hoping for. I mean, I was there, watching through my television box, and I was baffled. That’s honestly the only word I could use: baffled. Mike told Paula he wanted to stop being official, but keep sleeping together, and she was fine with that. They kissed throughout the breakup, and she even gave him a hug at the end. And lest you think she didn’t realize what was going on, she actually said to Mike, “Stop kissing my ass, you just dumped me!” While smiling. To Mike Sorrentino. I honestly have never been more bamboozled.