You win, American Horror Story. I am officially scared by you. You do horrible things to innocent people that I would not want to see done to guilty people. You tease me by casting Zachary Quinto and his nice face, and then have him turn out to not be nice at all. You paint quite a dark picture of mental healthcare in the 1960s. And then there’s the Nazi stuff…Jesus Christ! Nevertheless, there were still a few parts of last night’s episode that gave me the giggles. Let’s begin.
1. Okay, so the Holocaust is definitely not funny. Good move, American Horror Story. But the idea that the US secretly recruited the best Nazi scientists after the war and called it “Operation Paperclip” kind of is.
2. “Anne Frank” would rather spend time researching the Nazis than take care of her baby. Babies are worse than Nazis, aren’t they?
3. “How long have you been standing there, Dr. Buttinski?” Nice one, Sister Jude.
4. The aliens are back! The aliens are baaaack!
5. OH SHIT I just realized that the guy who plays Dr. Arden is the same guy who plays Andrew Mellon on Boardwalk Empire. I will never look at Mr. Mellon the same way again.
6. Again, this probably makes me a horrible person, but the image of a group of schoolchildren (and a teacher!) running terrified from legless Chloe Sevigny is kind of amazing. But…why doesn’t the teacher recognize her as human, and why isn’t the next shot of everyone at the asylum getting arrested?
7. Why do Anne Frank’s husband’s memories all look like we’re watching them on a crappy TV set?
(“I don’t work here and I never did. You can tell her I said that.” I knew this guy was too cute to be true. Run, Lana, run!)
8. Once again, Sister Jude is so Boston-y when she gets emotional. I like that about her. But was it really “cruel” for her mom to throw away a dead baby squirrel?
(Oh god, I am physically ill watching this lobotomy scene. I am still convinced he’s a Nazi and she’s Anne Frank, and that is just fucked up.)
9. “You’re gonna win a Pulitzer Prize. You’re the person to tell my story.” Ugh, could they be any more obvious that Lana is not long for this world?
10. OMG, He has a candy dish made out of a human skull. He really should have “Who Do You Love?” playing.
(Holy fuck holy shit, he is going to make her into a lampshade.)
11. Zachary Quinto as Bloodyface is truly shocking. Good job, FX. But the name “Bloodyface” is still hilar.
12. I knew it. I fucking knew it. She is Anne Frank after all, and Dr. Gruber finally got at her brain. Was everything the husband said a lie? IS HE A NAZI TOO? This is really some next level shit.
Oh, and mad points for Sister Jude’s excursion into worldliness. She’s finally putting her plastic surgery to good use!