• Wed, Nov 14 2012

I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: People Who Don’t Care About Twilight

I don’t feel sorry for people who don’t care that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is coming out on Friday.

There are a few reasons you might not be a Twihard:

  1. You are under the age of eight. This makes sense. You are too young for Twilight. You are just learning about what it means to be a human being. Therefore, there’s no need to complicate things with understanding how a vampire works. And because you don’t really understand the concept of death, the concept of immortality is wasted on you.
  2. You are over the age of fifty. In your golden years, you don’t care what the young people are doing, and frankly, that’s the point. You relish in being able to say things like “I don’t understand this Tweeter thing.” And “I hear that murderers are using Facebook as a way to pick their next victim. So be careful of that!” Your entire persona is based on being “too old for that.” So I get why being Twignorant is right in your wheelhouse.
  3. You are someone who… just didn’t get into it. Like the 6’2” kid who sucks at basketball, all the factors are there but it just somehow never added up. You fit the demographic of people who like Twilight. You like movies. You succeed in general social interactions. But somehow, you just didn’t get into Twilight. You are a Twidon’tgiveadamn. And this column is dedicated to you.

I will admit. I too am a Twidon’tgiveadamn. I’ve seen approximately half of the one Moon-themed Twilight movie at a friend’s place, and I was more focused on picking the red and purple Skittles out of the bowl than paying attention to the movie. I don’t know. I just didn’t really care about it. But I do care about maximizing my enjoyment of a bowl of Skittles.

And now the final fraction of the final Twilight movie is coming out on Friday and we Twidon’tgiveadamns won’t be a part of the excitement. In the coming days, maybe even months, we will feel on the outskirts of society. I’m sure there’s a relevant Twilight reference to make here about feeling on the outside, but I can’t make it and you wouldn’t understand it anyway.

But I don’t feel sorry for us. Here’s why.

For the past four years, we have not had to spend any of our time reading five-inch thick young adult books or watching 608 minutes of vampire movies. I’m not saying we did something better with our time. I know I can definitively say I didn’t do anything productive with this time. I probably spent most of it filling up online shopping carts, imagining what life would be like with a velvet blazer/pair of open-toed snow boots/ baby from China, and then emptying the cart because my lifestyle doesn’t fit with any of the above-listed items. Some of my time I spent sleeping. And a good eighth of that time was spent eating peanut butter from the jar. But I can say this. I wasn’t and never will be a slave to the Twilight camp.

More good news. We don’t harbor any desire, whatsoever, even the littlest bit, to be a vampire. This is great, because people can’t be vampires. And from the little I know of these Twilight movies, I think it’s pretty pro-vampire. It may not be the main goal, but one of the goals of this movie is to make women wish they were vampires. Now, Hollywood gets a lot of flack for putting forth unattainable images of beauty in front of little girls, but this one is – pardon the expression – beyond the pale. So, now not only are teenage girls supposed to have eating disorders, they’re supposed to be immortal with pointy eye teeth too?! That’s a lot to ask of tweens.

Another bonus about not caring about Twilight: We have no emotional investment in what happens to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I’ll admit it. I often call him Robert Patterson in my head and then I have to correct myself. I get that in some circles that’s like not being able to name the Secretary of State, but to me it’s liberating. I’ll scream it from the rooftops: “Robert Pattersons’s Pattinson’s love life has no effect on me!” Not being emotionally attached to a relationship that is not your own is generally a healthy thing I think. And it leaves so much time to fantasize about my life with Ryan Gosling!

So, my fellow Twidon’tgiveadamns, I will be thinking about you on Friday. Wherever you are and whatever you might be doing, I hope it’s something mortal that doesn’t require red irises or pointy eye teeth or frolicking near waterfalls.

(Photo: KayFabeNews)

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