Ryan Gosling turns 32 today. I would say Happy Birthday, but every day’s probably a birthday when you’re Ryan Gosling. Everyone spends every day making you feel special and wonderful and delightful. And I’m okay with that. Ryan Gosling’s certainly earned a life where every day’s a birthday. Polls say that he’s the most well-liked human being to ever exist. Even Jesus Christ’s calling his PR guy, wondering how this happened. Where did Ryan Gosling come from and why didn’t God ever tell us he had another son? Especially a son with abs of steel and the heart of gold?
So the question is not “how is Ryan Gosling celebrating his 32nd birthday?” but rather “how do I become as likeable as Ryan Gosling? How do I make everyone treat me like it’s my birthday every day?”
Luckily for you, we have all the answers right here. And we have them all laid out nicely for you in a step-by-step format that you should help you easily go from normal human being to superhuman celebrity by the time you finish reading this. Don’t thank us now, just remember to save our life one day.
1. Be born in Canada
Now I’m the first one who will say this step’s tricky. But it’s definitely necessary. With the current exception of Selena Gomez, everyone loves a quality Canadian. It’s a quirky fun fact that goes over great at trivia nights and on blogs during Canadian Thanksgiving. So if possible, get born there.
2. Star on a show that we’ll eventually look back on nostalgically
Don’t think that Ryan Gosling took the role on The Mickey Mouse Club simply because they offered it to him. He no doubt accepted that role because he know that years down the road, we’d invent Youtube and spend all our free time looking for childhood videos of him. Well played Ryan, well played.
3. Get toned, like incredibly toned.
Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder. And when you’re trying to become an international sex icon, everyone’s the beholder. Don’t give anyone a reason to reject you. Also, while you’re at, make sure you’re very good looking. If you already think you’re good looking, think again. If Ryan Gosling stopped getting good looking when he reached the early stages, he would never be where he is now.
4. Make an Iconic Nicholas Sparks Movie like The Notebook
While getting cast in a movie’s certainly a challenge these days, it’s certainly not impossible. In fact, people get cast in movies every single day! Just make sure that your movie of choice involves a fateful romance that teenage girls can quote easily on Tumblr. Look for key lines like, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” For whatever reason, people l-o-v-e avian metaphors in movies.
6. Make a critically-acclaimed film
Sure movies like The Notebook ensure your place on the TBS weekend line-up forever and ever, but they don’t cement you in the hearts of people who only like things that other people don’t know about. So make a movie like Blue Valentine. Even if you don’t win an Oscar, you’ll get that much closer to reaching every part of the population.
7. Save a life
And do whatever it takes to do this, even if it involves initially putting someone’s life in danger. No one will care who pushed the lady into traffic after you’re triumphantly carrying her out of harm’s way.
8. Complete random acts of kindness
You know what Ryan Gosling did last month? He surprised children at a charity event. Read that sentence again. He surprised children at a charity event. He’s gotten this good guy role down so well that this behavior comes natural to him. When he has free time, he doesn’t go on Pinterest and plan a wedding that’s never happening. No, he surprises children at charity events. Do these kinds of things. But make sure to follow steps 1-7 first. Otherwise you’re just the random stranger crashing a charity event.
There you have it. Eight simple and easy steps to becoming as likeable as Ryan Gosling.