Happy birthday to Demi Moore, who turns 50 today! Yeah, seriously. That hot bitch is fifty years old, and I’m pretty jealous about it. I don’t know if you guys saw Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, but even if you didn’t, take a look at the picture at the top of the page of her coming out of the water with that surfboard so we can all agree that life isn’t fair. Although it is nice that in exchange for my fairly average looks and non-Hollywood body, I get to keep my sanity and stay out of the spotlight. I guess that’s a pretty reasonable trade when you think about it. In the less-hot world that I live in, things are safer. Nicer. Less exciting, but also less being cheated on by my much younger husband and a stripper. But in case you can’t get enough of that kind of stuff, I figure you might want to do it up proper and celebrate Demi’s big day in style. It is the big 5-0 after all, so you might as well go all out. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of coming up with some special ways to celebrate. Most of them are pretty flexible, so you could do them anywhere from a picturesque picnic, to a dive bar, to an ironic bounce-house. It’s up to you, but here are ten pieces of advice to best help you celebrate the 50th Annual National Cougar Day!
- Be a motherfuckin’ cougar. Demi’s most recent husband, Ashton Kutcher, was sixteen years younger than she is. So get out there and get after that young meat. (Ew.)
- Give some things some weird names. Demi loves this one. She loves naming humans after words or sounds she’s heard. For her own daughters, she liked the sounds Rumer, Scout, and Talullah. Bonus points if you change the spelling.
- Shave your head. No no no, not in the Britney Spears way. She did that because she was crazy, Demi did it because she had a role as a Navy SEAL in G.I. Jane. Don’t get it twisted.
- Get some help. On a more serious note, Demi has allegedly struggled with addiction and eating disorders, which nobody should have to go through alone. No but for seriously.
- Take what you need from your relationships. Demi got her stage name from her first husband (Freddy Moore), her three kids from her second husband, and a Twitter handle from her third. On a related note, don’t ask too much from Ashton Kutcher.
- Rule Twitter. Twitter was invented so famous people could keep us up-to-date on the minutiae of their lives, so get famous and tell me about the excess noise from the construction outside your window.
- Do some pottery. Probably the most iconic moment of Demi’s career is the scene from Ghost where she and Patrick Swayze work the pottery wheel as Unchained Melody plays. Maybe go somewhere, make a pinch-pot, have a good cry.
- Make up with an ex. Demi and her first husband, Bruce Willis, were on such good terms that he would come over to the house she shared with Ashton.
- Investigate a new religion. Like Kabbalah, maybe?
- Cast a wide net. There’s a 28 year age difference between Demi’s first and third husbands. Freddy was twelve years older, and Ashton was sixteen years younger, as I mentioned. Which means that my target zone as of this moment is ages…9 – 37. Hoo boy.
Hope you’re having a great birthday, Demi! And let me just say again — damn girl, you lookin’ goooood.