Today is one of those magical Saturdays where you wake up with fairy dust in the air, and just about anything can happen. I know that because today I found out that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up. “Oh sure,” you’re thinking, “they were just kids, kids break up all the time!” But no. NO. This time is for realsies. This time it was Selena who did it, and it’s a well-known rule of relationships that when the less-famous party pulls the plug, it’s time to get your game-face on and suffer through a legit break-up.
And here’s the thing. These two were together for almost two years, ever since November 2010. That was when young love first sparked at an IHOP, which is where young love always sparks, in my experience. Of course, they didn’t actually admit they were dating until February 2011, but let’s be honest, they weren’t fooling anyone. Because seriously, when was the last time you went to an IHOP with someone you hadn’t slept with the night before? Never, right? (Just tell me I’m right. It will go easier for you.)
So here’s my plan, guys. Because you have to have a plan for days like today. I’m…I’m gonna go for it. Sure, Justin is 18 and I’m 25, and sure I’m significantly less attractive than Selena Gomez, but I think we can make this work. But the thing is, Justin’s already been seen out with some new Victoria’s Secret model Barbara Plavin, takin’ in a Broadway play, so I think we can all agree the window’s pretty tight. I’m gonna finish this post, call out of my restaurant job for tonight, and climb aboard an aeroplane and tell it to take me to wherever my sweet young Bieber love is. Because this is my moment and I’m gonna grasp it. If all goes well, by this time tomorrow I’ll be chillin’ by a fire while we eatin’ fondue.
Don’t wait up, real life.