The new James Bond movie Skyfall, which stars British-Lance Armstrong Daniel Craig, hit theaters yesterday. Now, this is very exciting. The movie has been getting great reviews, so I’ll see the movie. I’m always excited to see how they update each Bond movie to keep the story fresh and modern and the women somewhere in the 1950s only with sexier bathing suites.
Now, some of my female friends aren’t so happy about the way woman are portrayed in these films. I know some of you are saying, “That’s not true, Harry. You don’t know any woman.” And I agree with that. I’ve never met a woman. But I’ve met people who know woman, and once I met a guy who looked like a woman, so I think I know what I’m talking about.
I do see where they’re coming from. They argue that this is just one more example, among an endless list of examples of young actresses being sexually exploited to drive men to the theater. But that’s not true. This is Bond! This a prestigious example of young actresses being sexual exploited to drive men to the theater. It’s a great opportunity. No, you don’t get to be the hero of the movie, but you do get to have sex with him. And that’s a huge honor. Coincidentally, “huge honor” is how Bond forces you to refer to his double-ohs and seven.
I ever heard one female friend of mine argue that the term for the woman in Bond movies, “Bond Girl,” implies male possession over the subservient woman. But that can’t be true. Read the title. “Bond girl.” That doesn’t say possession to me. There’s no apostrophe-“s” after “Bond.”
And even if it did, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s an action movie. That’s part of the genre. An action movie isn’t an action movie without a gross amount of misogyny the same way a zombie movie isn’t a zombie movie without brain-dead, mutant cannibals. It’s a piece of the fun of going to see a Bond movie. How will he catch the bad guy? How will he get out of this predicament? How much more will this woman have to debase herself before she’s worthy of sleeping with this man? And from how easy she’s making sleeping with her seem, how will they deal with their herpes?
I mean, if you’re going to quit having Bond sleep with countless women, he might as well be gay.
Come to think of it, maybe he is gay. Maybe none of this lady-sexiness stuff matters because Bond isn’t really into it anyway. He’s just feeling the pressure of the spy world to be a straight, suave womanizer, but that isn’t who he is.
Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, consider these facts: He’s overtly tidy. He’s extremely well dressed, and he’s never settled down with any the women he’s been with. Some say he’s the ultimate bachelor, but who’s coming over to that bachelor pad late at night. Is it classic Bond Girl Pussy Galore or Stewart, a little known character with whom Bond once rented an apartment in the West Village?
But it’s 2012, Bond. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not that Bond displays woman as oversexed, emotional things, it’s that he’s uncomfortable with who he is and, therefore, overcompensates. But I urge him to be who he is. Don’t be afraid, Bond. We’ll support you no matter what. It gets better. Actually, the reviews have been pretty stellar, so maybe not.