If you’re up-to-date on your Jersey Shore like every good girl and boy out there, you’re aware that there are some differences between this season and seasons past. You got your celibate Vinny, your pregnant Snooki, your relationshipped Deena. But perhaps most surprisingly of all, you’ve got your sober Mike, who’s also taken the plunge into a real, live relationship. No, hell hasn’t frozen over. It’s just that Mike put it in the same girl for four summers in a row, let her meet his family, and is only repulsed by about 89% of her appearance and personality. Aka, all the ingredients of true love. And upon whose head did he decide to bestow his thorny love crown (ew, I know, I’m sorry)? Why none other than Paula Pickard. But who is Paula? All we can really learn from the internet is that she’s 24 and an aspiring model from Beachwood, New Jersey. But why should we trust the internet to give us meaningless little factoids about Miss Paula when she herself has so much to teach us just from last night’s episode. Let’s turn to the source herself, with 10 Things I Learned From Paula Pickard Last Night on Jersey Shore:
- Mike blushes with his entire body. Mike has made no secret about being embarrassed by approximately 100% of what comes out of Paula’s mouth, but even if he didn’t tell us, we’d be able to tell by the way his
cheeks shoulders abseverything gets all rosy.
- The superman. Listen, I’m not saying I’m gonna try it, but isn’t it useful to know that the superman is when a guy makes a Jersey Spooge on your back and then throws a blanket over it?
- There’s such a thing as butt pads. And Paula doesn’t mind people knowing she wears them.
- The dolphin. It’s when a guy tries to but it in your bum bum, and you go “Eh eh, eh eh” like a little nay-saying dolphin.
- Sober Mike is still a dick. Give whatever excuse you want (or don’t), but it wasn’t the alcohol talking when he told Paula she was embarrassing him, but that “when you sit there and smile, it’s all good.”
- Sammi likes ‘the shocker’. Little old Sammi Giancola revealed while talking to Paula that she actually enjoys a nice tasteful ‘two in the pink, one in the stink’. You know, on like special occasions and Wednesdays. Don’t know what the shocker is? Ask Dane Cook.
- Guys don’t like it when you talk about pooping and food babies. This is disturbing news for me and my boyfriend that I don’t have.
- Rug surfing. It’s when you scoot your butt around on the floor like a dog with worms. I honestly see no use for this in everyday life unless you’re a dog, or in sexual life unless you’re a deviant, though, so I guess I’ll have to tune in next week for more lessons.
- I’m obsessed with the phrase ‘sneaky Dickens’. I don’t know if the cast makes up these phrases and terminology on their own, or if I’m just really behind on my Jersey slang, but the phrase ‘sneaky Dickens’ is my new favorite.
- There really is a lid for every pot. Honestly, if Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is rolling out of bed every morning with a living, breathing girlfriend, there’s not a single one of us that has anything to worry about.