Heidi Klum finally admitted that she is in love with Martin Kristen, her bodyguard-turned-body-lover!
This news came out in an interview with German magazine Bunte, in which Heidi admitted that she is “verliebt” with Martin. ”Verliebt” isn’t German for “lying in green debt,” like you might think. It’s German for in love! And in her interview, Heidi says that one of the things she likes most about Martin is that he gets along with her kids and protects their lives.
I’m sensing a pattern here. Heidi’s relationship M.O. is to fall in love with men who pledge to take care of children that do not belong to them. If this were a Nancy Drew book, it would be called The Case of the Hand-Me-Down Kids. The cover would be a picture of Nancy going down a hidden passage holding a lantern that illuminates hordes of kids huddling in the corner. By the end of the book, one Hardy Boy would be caring for the other Hardy Boy’s love spawn with Nancy. Okay, so it would be for a more mature young adult audience. But I digress. Here are the facts!
Heidi met her ex-husband Seal when she was pregnant with another man’s baby. She had Italian business man Flavio Briatore’s child in her belly and she got into a new relationship! I mean, who does that? If I had a baby inside of me, I would hardly feel sexy enough to make the man who did it to me take me to Outback. Let alone make some other guy love all up on my impregnated loins. But Heidi is Heidi, and as Tim Gunn would say, she made it work.
What is more, when Heidi gave birth to little Leni, it was Seal that was gallantly in the delivery room, and it was Seal that Heidi referred to as Leni’s father. Holy biting off a lot more than you normally do on a first date, Batman!
Seven years later, Heidi pulled a Heidi again and got into a relationship with Martin. When she first spoke of her budding romance with him, Heidi cited the way he treats her kids as the most swoonworthy thing about him. And that hasn’t changed. In the recent Bunte interview, Heidi says:
“This is also one reason why I’m so fond of him. He’s been helping me for four years now. And he takes wonderful care of the kids. He plays with them, he protects them. I trust him.”
Look, I get it. You get in relationship patterns. I dated only wrestlers in high school. Ashlee Simpson only dates guys with long bangs. It happens. But this doesn’t bode well for Martin. Let me put forth a totally unsubstantiated guess for what the next five years has in store for these two:
6 months from now: Heidi and Martin get married somewhere exotic. She pays for it all. He feels slightly emasculated by this but reminds himself that what he lacks in wealth he makes up for in brawn.
1 year from now: Heidi is pregnant with Martin’s child. If it’s a boy, they’ll name it Martin, after Martin’s first name. If it’s a girl, they’ll name it Kristen, after Martin’s last name. They won’t care that her name is Kristen Kristen.
2 years from now: Heidi starts hanging out a lot with another guy. The tough thing for Martin is that this new alpha male could come out of nowhere. Heidi’s dated stylists, musicians, businessmen and body guards. Other than loving men that are cool with being Insta-Dads, she doesn’t have a “type.” If I were Martin, I wouldn’t let her get a mammogram without being nervous she was going to meet someone.
2 1/2 years from now: Heidi leaves Martin for the guy she met at the dry cleaners/movie promo/mammogram office. He will have already agreed to embrace Heidi and her brood because she is Heidi Klum and he’s not an idiot.
3 years from now: Heidi and New Guy are in love mostly because he has welcomed all of her children into his home like the Old Man Who Lived In A Shoe.
Rinse and repeat.
I’m not judging Heidi here. She’s hot and she can handle it. I’m just telling Martin to watch out and for any dude in Heidi’s eyesight, and not to spend too much on a seven-seater stroller.