American Horror Story is getting pretty good, you guys. I’m so wrapped up in what happens to all its very doomed characters that their pain is almost not funny to me anymore. Almost. Luckily, there are still lots of LOLZ-worthy moments. Let’s begin.
1. It has special resonance when Zachary Quinto says “I see myself in you” to the reporter being held against her will and treated for lesbianism. There but for the grace of time go he!
2. “These people, they are designed to die here,” says Anne Frank. This place is worse than Auschwitz, isn’t it?
3. Anne Frank survived the Holocaust and is now all fucked up and angry and in hiding!!! I love this plot idea, but Phillip Roth got to it first.
4. Of COURSE the creepy doctor is a nazi war criminal.
5. Dr. Zachary Quinto wants Kit to face the non-alieny truth about how his wife and all those other women died. But it was aliens, Dr. Q. He’s got a strange bug thing in him to prove it.
6. The fact that Lana is flashing forward to a scene in which she has escaped and written her story means that is never, ever going to happen. And is it just me, or does Lana look a lot like Lana Del Rey? CRAZY COINCIDENCE OR WHAT?
7. How do people on TV always have sex with their clothes on? It looks so tricky.
8. “Are you purposely trying to make a murder baby?” I love you, Boston nun. Don’t ever change.
9. What’s this male model doing at the asylum and where have they been hiding him???
Q: Did they really use aversion/conversion therapy at Cornell and shit in the ’60s? A: They did, apparently. That’s not okay!
10. Of course the head priest guy knows the doctor is a nazi war criminal and is into it/doesn’t care. THIS GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.
11. Sister Jude (Boston nun) just ordered two people sterilized against their will, but the doctor is a sadist. Hokay.
12. HOW DID YOU GET MASCARA IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL AND HOW IS YOUR HAIR STILL SO CUTE?
13. This probably makes me a terrible person, but I once again LOLed at legless Chloe Sevigny, who was this time covered in boils and screaming “kill me!”
R.I.P. ADAM LEVINE AND JENNA DEWAN-TATUM. MISS U!