This week’s episode of Dexter contained more sexual tension than you could shake a murder weapon at. There were dates, smoldering glances, and vagina flowers galore. And then, there was…j/k, no spoilers on the front page. Click through to relive the magic!
Dexter wants to give Hannah McKay “what she deserves.” Which is…a good deep dicking? Or a good murdering? +1 for conflating the two in his serial killer mind.
Dexter is doing exactly what he promised Deb he wouldn’t do: witholding info from the police department so he can kill someone. Bad Dexter, -1. (It’s a testament to this show’s ability to pull you into its messed up logic that I am subtracting points when Dexter, a serial killer, acts ignobly.)
Hannah has immunity so the police can’t get her, anyway. +1
Isaak Sirko scares me more and more in every scene in which he appears. +1
Hannah is laying it on so thick with the flirtation that it’s insulting to Dexter’s intelligence, but he doesn’t seem to care. For instance:
“I can get pretty dirty.” -1 because oof.
Giving Dexter a free plant: Jeeze Hannah, why don’t you just answer the door in a whipped cream bikini? -1
“What kind of plant are you looking for?” -1 because EVEN THAT SOUNDS SLUTTY WHEN SHE SAYS IT.
“Heart disease is the leading cause of death in this country. I would know.” Thanks for the PSA, Harry.
Am the only one who thinks Sal Price looks like Rufus from Gossip Girl? +1 because that is funny to me.
“What good is money if you are dead?” Thank you, Nadia. You are correct. +3. But -1,000 for the Vulture recapper who wrote “When youâ€™re a cop and your Ukie stripper booty call is your moral compass, youâ€™ve got problems,” because “Ukie strippers” are people too, fuck you very much, and Nadia has done nothing so far to make us think she’s not a nice, kind, dog-loving person who simply got mixed up with the wrong crowd when faced with a limited set of options.
Then again, Quinn might be dead either way at this point, considering what we know about the Kaskas. -1 because you know it’s going to be Nadia instead.
Not counting laptops, there is not one, but two instances of an identifiable Apple gadget being used in this episode. (The iPhone Dexter photographs Sal’s blood report with, and the iPad Sal brings to his date with Deb.) -1 for obvious product placement.
“Hookers? Gross. Who does that?” +1 for the moment of dramatic irony between Jamie and Batista.
Isaak thinks Quinn “owes him one” because he killed two members of the Colombian gang? Typical crime boss entitlement. +1
Threatening to sex traffic Nadia is no joke. +1
Quinn calls Nadia a bunch of times even though it’s obvious the Kaskas have her already. +1 because Quinn would be that stupid, wouldn’t he?
Laguerta figured out the barrel girls case exactly! I don’t even know whether to subtract or add points for this because are cops IRL really this good? Even someone at Laguerta’s level? IDK!
Hannah poisoned her mentor Beverly with a plant. -1 for copying another critically acclaimed show about someone who kills people.
“What does she want?” Duh Dexter, she wants to fuck and/or kill you. +1 because serial killers aren’t so great at reading human emotions.
“Your tenant with weird fuckin’ name?” THANK YOU DEB. +1
“Let me worry about Laguerta, please. Worry about yourself.” -1 because has he forgotten that Deb is worried about herself?
“Growing up on a farm” mean “plowing through.” Nice pun, handyman. +1
“I wanna take you out.”
“On a date?”
“That’ll work.” +1 for this classic double entendre.
Hannah agreeing to go out with Dexter after he’s been all stalkery with her sends the wrong message to guys. Then again, she’s a stalker too, so maybe these are special circumstances.
“She caught me off guard. I had to think of something.” Aaaw, Dexter won’t even admit his crush to his imaginary friend. +1
Masuka: “Men who retire are usually dead in 5 years, it’s a fact, look it up.” If I give you guys a point for this, will you promise to try harder with the Masuka comic relief in the future? +1
“I think I need to get a life.”
“Yes you do.” You are asking her out, fool. You do not say that to a woman you like, even if it’s true. -1
Oh, Quinn. Do you seriously think the Kaskas are not going to kill/sex traffic Nadia anyway, even after you tamper with evidence and potentially lose your job? They are not the most scrupulous of people. +1 for yet more character consistency.
“Come on, don’t be a cop tease.” I know Deb’s been out of the dating game for a while, but that was pretty bad. -1
Trading makeout seshes for evidence? That’s my girl! +1
The look of pure, childlike joy on Hannah’s face when she enters the Christmas wonderland makes me feel bad for her that Dexter’s about to kill her. +1 for acting.
“Do what you gotta do.” Between her and Viktor, Dexter’s victims have been very stoic and dignified this season. +1
HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING DEXTER?! Dexter will live to regret this, but even vigilante murderers need to get their rocks off once in a while. +1
Okay, just watched the preview of next week. Is Deb going to tell Dexter to kill Hannah? But he can’t kill someone he fucked! That seems…unethical. But I guess he’s done it before, hasn’t he? I hope this darkens Dexter’s character further, because things have been too easy up to this point.
TOTAL: +10. Best episode of the season?