It was only a few short weeks ago that I was watching the premiere of Jersey Shore and singing the praises of newly-rehabbed Mike Sorrentino. He’s off drugs, he’s off alcohol — he’s like a new man, and I was having a mini love affair with how mature he’d gotten. But even then, I think I knew it couldn’t last. He seemed like a different person, but we all knew that deep inside, he’s still The Situation, and those evil abs would find their way back out eventually.
Last week, Sitch wifed up Paula and made her his official girlfriend, something he’s sworn against for six seasons of this god-forsaken show. He kisses her in public, they call each other babe, she’s met his family, he asks her to come over at 5am when he’s having a bad day — they seem like regular boyfriend and girlfriend, except that up until now, he still goes out and gets down with random strays at Karma. See, with the benefit of his new sober-goggles, he’s able to weed out grenades, and I think he’s still enjoying the novelty of that.
But he’s not supposed to be doing that anymore, because he made an honest woman out of Paula. After four drunken summers of wasting her time, he finally begrudgingly consented to be her boyfriend! Just like in the movies, folks. It’s a beautiful love story. But that was like…yesterday, and already he’s slobbing around the Shore Store with Ronnie and Deena saying he wants to ‘jump ship’ and ‘pull the chute’. It’s literally been one day, bro, and already you feel like you’re just ‘hanging in there’ and can’t hold yourself back from talking about the ways you’d like to fix her up. (New teeth and new clothes, in case you were wondering.) A conversation that Paula happened to walk in on, as she rudely came to briefly visit her boyfriend at work. That bitch. I can’t believe her smother-y nerve.
So this couple has been together one day and is already on thin ice, which becomes even more evident when Mike finds himself at the club with his (allegedly) shrunken steroid penis under the gyrating ass of a Paula-look-alike. For like three songs. But hey, he doesn’t see the problem with that, dude. What he does see the problem with is Paula sending spies to Karma to keep an eye on him. That is completely and totally unacceptable. Sure, Mike’s acting like a douche again, but I couldn’t be more thrilled, because the natural order of the house is returning. Situation is still that drunken, coked-up asshole, just without the drunken, coked-up parts. He still creeps around on girls and ignores social norms so he can do his own thing. Thank god, there’s The Situation I know and remember. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not saying I want him to drink and do drugs, because I don’t want that at all. I’m just relieved to see him getting back to his asshole tendencies.
And not a moment too soon, because Snooki was starting to look like an asshole for refusing to talk to him, and Deena has been on a two-day solo Meatball Bender and feuding with everyone in the house, so she needs someone to tap in and give her some relief. The Jersey Shore plotlines cannot be supplied by one meatball alone, ya’ll. Time to hop to it. Or stumble. Whatever.
(Image: The Hollywood Reporter)