Jessica Simpson might have a lot on her plate right now, with her parents’ divorce and Papa Joe Simpson allegedly preferring the company of young, blonde him-bos, but it seems like the one thing she doesn’t have on her plate these days is actual food. Showing off her super cute baby and a 60 pound weight loss, Jessica’s Halloween Instagram photos served her obsessive body critics a healthy dose of Shut The Fuck Up yesterday. Her waist is tiny, her makeup is sexy and heavy without being Xtina-like, but her breasts — her Ron-Burgandy-approved exquisite breasts — seem to have benefited the most from pregnancy and Weight Watchers. I’m sure if her dad wasn’t preoccupied with his own PR nightmare at the moment he’d have a comment about her triple E’s, because that is one set of healthy jugs! Three cheers for Jessica Simpson, I say. It couldn’t have been easy to deal with all of the opinions on her body shape during the last couple of years.
What most people (read: men) don’t understand, is that Jessica is tiny. And when a woman is short and tiny, even three pounds can look like 30. So when a short, tiny woman becomes pregnant for the first time (a lot of women have a tendency to gain the most pregnancy weight the first time around…GASP!), it’s probably not easy to maintain a rabbit-like diet just to appease internet trolls. She’s even said herself that during her Daisy Duke era, she was practically killing herself to look that way because that’s just not how she–or any real, human woman for that matter–is built.
Another observation I gathered from this photo is that everyone is dressed as their own character. There’s no “family theme” costume going on, which I totally respect because adorable shots of celebrity families dressed up as Shrek, Princess Fiona and Donkey make me feel like a failure at life…I could barely muster the effort to going to Goodwill for a Hawaiian tourist shirt for this year’s costume. The Simpson/Johnson clan did their own thing for Halloween and as gorgeous as Jessica looked, I have to give the best costume prize to her daughter Maxwell. Because who doesn’t love a baby dressed as a chicken?
The bottom line is that I hope people stop waiting with bated breath to see Jessica Simpson’s Big Baby Weight Loss. And Jessica? If you want to share the secret to losing weight but gaining boob mass, you can reach me at @cassyhough on Twitter.