When the rumors about Papa Joe Simpson having a midlife crisis and coming out of the closet first appeared, I assumed they were just an outrageous way for this family to stay in the news. Then I saw photos like this one, of Joe’s post-divorce makeover. It was clear that something’s going on with the Simpson girls’ dad/manager, though we don’t know what.
But that’s why I don’t need to actually hear the details of Joe’s hot new sex life, no matter who it’s with. However, some famewhore looking for his 15 minutes is gonna tell us anyway. A 32-year-old gay male escort named Joey Anderson not only spilled all to the National Enquirer, but he took a polygraph test so we’d be sure he was telling the truth. (Of course, considering who was administering the test…) Joey told the tabloid that their session lasted for about two hours, during which they rolled around, kissed, and gave each other oral sex.
“We’d take breathers and then start up all over again,” Joey said. “He seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex and never really appeared tired.” La la la la la, I don’t want to hear this. Not because it’s two men, but because it’s Papa Joe! But Joey’s got more intel: His client was apparently “very pleased” and paid him $600, “for my time, not for sexual services.” Um, I don’t think that’s how it works unless you’re the star of Pretty Woman. And Richard Gere, Papa Joe ain’t.
Joey added that he doesn’t have any illusions that he was Joe’s main squeeze or that he’d get ferried around to Ashlee Simpson‘s next CD release party: “Whatever the case, I’m probably not the only one. After being a family man, and a religious one to boot, for all these years, I’m sure he’s out sowing his wild oats with a bunch of boys.” Seriously, no one needs to hear that about their father.
Also, I kind of want to give the family some privacy. According to the Daily Mail, Joe’s ex-wife Tina filed for divorcing after finding photos of his alleged boytoy, 21-year-old Bryce Chandler Hill, posing in her home. If it’s true that Tina got Jessica‘s friend CaCee Cobb to unearth more personal photos and then confronted Joe in the lobby of his hotel… that’s all painful enough. We didn’t need some long-haired celebrity wannabe filling in the blanks.