Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and somebody must’ve scorned Hurricane Sandy real bad, because she continues to be merciless. She’s already filled lower Manhattan with water, set parts of Queens on fire, and stolen electricity from everyone below 30th Street, and claimed lives up and down the east coast and in the Caribbean. And now, now she has taken something else precious from us — Heidi Klum‘s annual Halloween party has been canceled. Sandy, don’t you know that people need to take this time to recover and rebuild? Everyone does it in different ways, but I wanted to do it by looking at pictures of Heidi Klum and her guests and marveling at how such a hot lady can make herself so unrecognizably unattractive.
You never know what you’re gonna get from Heidi, and that’s what so magical about her yearly party. It keeps hope alive. I hope that she’ll wear something hot and revealing like this year’s Cleopatra costume, and not something frightening with monkey teats or cadaver skin like past years. Oh my god. You guys. I just realized something. This is our fault! Heidi releasing that picture early was a test for all humankind, and we failed. We weren’t supposed to look at it! We know the stories of what happens if the groom sees the bride before the wedding, and all of us collective grooms saw our Heidi bride before her Hallowedding. We caused the Frankenstorm! Not Barack Obama, not homosexuals, and not low pressure systems colliding with high-pressure systems. We did it, by looking at a Halloween costume before Halloween, and now I’m wondering what else we’ve caused. Heidi’s divorce? The decline in ratings for Project Runway? There’s no end to what we might be responsible for.
Going forward, let’s just be aware, and try to avoid looking at anything that might be considered a spoiler for Heidi’s life. No tweets, no Instagram, no texting. (That’s if she texts you back. She never responds to my texts.) And seriously, be safe out there and have a happy Halloween. New York has been through enough this week — we’ve earned it.