• Tue, Oct 30 2012

I Wish I Was A Sanderson Sister From Hocus Pocus

There’s no Halloween documentary more compelling than Hocus Pocus. It’s a timeless tale about sisterhood, witchcraft and virginity. A story about brave children, irresponsible parents and talking cats. If only every classroom in America made this movie a part of their history classes, we could have a more educated population, a generation of children who know to have sex before they break into museums and light possessed candles.

Also a few parents who might question when their young children when they come to their Halloween party holding a stray cat.

But alas, not everyone values this historic film as much as children of the ’90s — and not everyone wishes that they too could be a Sanderson Sister.

I do though. More than anything in this world, I want to join Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy in their quest to find everlasting youth. Unlike so many other women who claim to hate wrinkles, these ladies take it to another level. They’re not running out to CVS, grabbing a $16 jar of anti-wrinkle cream and praying for the best.

No these fine ladies are doing what it takes to stay young. And before you start thinking I’m advocating plastic surgery, hear me out. What these ladies do makes face lifts and tummy tucks look like child’s play.

They’re going straight to the source of youth and sucking the souls out of children. Literally. They are literally sucking the youth out of children. It’s genius! It’s absolutely shocking to me that celebrities haven’t started doing this yet. It just makes sense.

Why aren’t more people finding practical solutions to their problems?

And it’s not just their unique take on everlasting beauty that I admire. It’s also their bonds of sisterhood. Bonds so tight that they stick together, through witch trials and hangings and the world where they lived after while they waited for Max to light the black candle. After all, it’s not every woman who could forgive her sister for sleeping with her boyfriend.

Nor is it every sister who could back up her sister so nicely on vocals as she bewitches an entire room full of adults. These women redefine what it means to work together and I think everyone would benefit from taking their lessons seriously.

Because if you’re not a Sanderson sister, then you’re just that fuck-up Thackery Binx. A guy who chose sleep over his sister’s life. Or worse, Max, a real live virgin.

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