Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t worry. There are only like four more days of Halloween posts and celebrity costumes and blah blah blah, and then this will all be over for another twelve months. But not today! Today we still get to talk about Christina Aguilera and what the eff she was wearing last night. I’m a smart girl, though, so I think that together, you and I can puzzle this out and figure out what she was supposed to be.
Let’s start with the basics. She’s wearing a ripped up black and orange t-shirt. With chains on it. And a white necklace. Okay, so…A grunge pumpkin? Maybe? Or a slutty marigold? Hmmm. Let’s see what else. She’s also wearing thigh-high black boots and ripped up shorts that go halfway up her ass. So it could still be those options I laid out before. Phew, what a relief. Surely no other parts of her costume will throw this conclusion into jeopardy.
She’s also wearing…a teased out pink wig and like a white Burger King crown. Wait. What? Why? This is for a party that she and her boyfriend hosted at her own house, by the way, so it’s not like she had to come up with a costume in a hurry. She knew this party was coming because it was her party. You had at least weeks, and maybe months to come up with the perfect outfit. Or at least an outfit that made sense. And this is your decision? Girl, what pumpkin hash are you smoking?
Ooh! I have one final idea to figure out this monstrosity! We should look at her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler! Whatever he’s wearing will surely complement her outfit, and provide a little insight. So let’s see…he’s dressed as a knight. But not even a torn up or slutty knight, just a regular knight. Okay, I officially give up. I have no idea what this bitch is supposed to be. You can revoke my journalism license if you want to, but if this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.