10 Perfect Halloween Costumes For If You Never Want A Boyfriend Ever

Me about to wait tables last Halloween. Get in line, boys.

It’s that time of year again where we all crowd into the streets in our most revealing topical costumes and make decisions that result in us trudging home from some tragic burrough in the cold light of morning with dead eyes and slutty hangovers. Yes, folks, Halloween. We spend all year trying to think of the sexiest version of the smartest costume, only to vomit on it on the N train and spend the next day in crippling post-tequila misery. Well, that’s the goal, anyway. Unless you’re me, in which case Halloween represents an exciting opportunity to repel any and every male in a two mile radius. Don’t be fooled — this is no pity party. I really and truly love Halloween, and the chance it gives me to dress up as something hilarious, unskanky, and preferably horrifying. In case you’re also interested in never having a boyfriend ever, then come along with me on this adventure, and I’ll give you my ten best ideas for Halloween costumes, many of which I’ve already used, but that still have plenty of wear in them because ain’t nobody else in the world using them if they can help it.

Brown Swan, 2012.
When this picture went on Facebook, my friend commented “I think I’ve stepped on this on the subway before.”

  1. Choose an animal that isn’t sexy and then make it sexy. For example, my senior year of college I went as a ‘sexy yak’ in pieces of old mops. I’m bringin’ sexy yak…YEAH. That happened.
  2. Get a group of seven people together and go as all of Voldemort’s horcruxes. A great way to prove you spent your formative years out of the sunlight reading about wizards.
  3. Jack Sparrow. Particularly effective if you’re working at your restaurant that night, and the theme is pirates. Everyone around you will elect to dress as saucy pirate wenches with cleavage and skirts, and you will elect to have facial hair and receive no tips all night. See above.
  4. Drag queen. A ready-made excuse to wear way too much makeup and silly dresses, with the added caveat that if someone thinks you look mannish, you’re winning.
  5. The ‘trainwreck’ version of any celebrity. I went as Britney Spears my junior year of college, with little baby dolls coming out of the pockets of my Daisy Dukes.
  6. Frankenstorm. Someone should really go as this this year. If you don’t, Sandy will get us.
  7. Choose a sex act and dress up as it. Examples include donkey punches (just add donkey ears to any boxing outfit) or what I did — Dirty Sanchez — I wore a poncho, a sombrero, and a chocolate mustache. Look it up.
  8. Buy some footie pajamas and go as a kid. That’s what I did for a costume party last night. As a bonus, you get to drink adult go-go juice  out of a sippy cup all night and hang out in a space-themed onesie while everyone else is squeezed super tight in their Daenerys costume.
  9. Take the most popular costume and do a variation on it. Two years ago it was Black Swan, so I went as Brown Swan, with stubble and brown feather fake eyelashes. (See above.) Oh, and I should’ve mentioned — bonus points any time you can work in any variation on facial hair.
  10. And if all else fails, just dress up as the male version of yourself. Nothing is more enticing to a man than a lady who really knows where her Adam’s apple is at. I promise.

So there you have it. All my trade secrets for the repelling of the human male. Use them wisely, my children, for they are extremely effective.

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