As the rest of America counts down the days to the 2012 Presidential election and the end of racist/homophobic/poorly spelled political Facebook rants, I’ve decided to count down my favorite Republican celebrities. It’s no secret that 99% of respectable Hollywood supports President Obama–Hollywood has always been a haven for lefty liberals, which is really nice for someone like me. Even if I think you’re a shitty actor, I will probably end up reluctantly liking/respecting you if you support the same candidate I support, and can justify it in a way that goes beyond elementary school logic.
What I’m having a hard time coming to terms with, however, are my favorite celebrities that have emerged from the Republican closet this year. My heart is broken and my faith in Hollywood may never be restored. Therefore, the time has come for me to say goodbye to you, out and proud celebrity Republicans. It’s not easy. As I bid adieu to my love for you, celebrity elephants, Taylor Swift is crooning softly in the background and a Hostess cupcake is waiting for me in the kitchen.
You were so cool, Stacy Dash. You taught me slang phrases about sex that my 5th grade mind could not comprehend, yet I was wise beyond my years because of you and your Clueless ways. I will now place my white thigh-highs and patent-leather top hat into the fire.
Charles, Charles, Charles. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. How could you? I thought we had something special. You were such a laid-back babysitter! I spent the entire summer before leaving for college rooting for you in Scott Baio is 45…and Single on VH1. The only explanation I can think of is that your wife is super blonde and Utah-ish, so maybe she’s Mormon? That would help explain why she put up with your douchebaggery for so long and still decided to marry you. Nonetheless… I must let you go.
I ‘m no prude, Ms. Jameson. I read your book, and your ghostwriter did a very good job. I’m cool with porn. What I am not cool with, Ms. Jameson, is your public endorsement of Mitt Romney because you think he’ll make you rich. You know what else he’ll make you? A celibate nun. So good luck with that.
I spent at least 50% of my college life procrastination coming up with Chuck Norris jokes. I even have an affinity for ginger men. I dreamed of one day learning the art of the roundhouse kick at your side, you as my sensei and I your grasshopper. Your Bowflex infomercials were an instant cure for my insomnia for years. But alas…my loyal devotion wasn’t enough for you, was it? No. God and guns is what you live your life for. I wonder if the tears I’m shedding for you right now will, in fact, cure cancer? If they do, you will never know.
Kirk and Candace Cameron
Curse you, you blonde 90s teen idol sibling duo! Gone are the days of delightfully mischievous Mike Seaver and wonderfully naive Donna Jo Tanner. While your glassy-eyed Republican devotion is nothing new this election season, it still hurts as much as the day I first heard Kirky bash homosexuals. I’m sorry, Cameron siblings. I’m sorry that the world is full of color and personality and not zombie Duggar children. Some women exert control over their uteruses AND their brains, you know? No. N0, you don’t know. And now my fond memories of growing up alongside you are tarnished forever. I feel like I’ve been cast aside, like Comet the dog. Oh my lanta. Oh my lanta indeed.
I’ve saved the best for last. Yesterday, you publicly endorsed Mitt Romney due to your concern regarding the Cold War. And because you don’t like storms or something, and Democrats bring storms? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I won’t let your passions influence me any longer. I won’t become a Republican for you. I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. Capisce?