• Fri, Oct 26 2012

Celebrity Republicans: The Other 1% Comes Out Of The Closet

As the rest of America counts down the days to the 2012 Presidential election and the end of racist/homophobic/poorly spelled political Facebook rants, I’ve decided to count down my favorite Republican celebrities. ¬†It’s no secret that 99% of respectable Hollywood supports President Obama–Hollywood has always been a haven for lefty liberals, which is really nice for someone like me. ¬†Even if I think you’re a shitty actor, I will probably end up reluctantly liking/respecting you if you support the same candidate I support, and can justify it in a way that goes beyond elementary school logic.

What I’m having a hard time coming to terms with, however, are my favorite celebrities that have emerged from the Republican closet this year. ¬†My heart is broken and my faith in Hollywood may never be restored. ¬†Therefore, the time has come for me to say goodbye to you, out and proud celebrity Republicans. ¬†It’s not easy. ¬†As I bid adieu to my love for you, celebrity elephants, Taylor Swift is crooning softly in the background and a Hostess cupcake is waiting for me in the kitchen.

 

Stacy Dash

You were so cool, Stacy Dash.  You taught me slang  phrases about sex that my 5th grade mind could not comprehend, yet I was wise beyond my years because of you and your Clueless ways.  I will now place my white thigh-highs and patent-leather top hat into the fire.

 

Scott Baio

Charles, Charles, Charles. ¬†Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. ¬†How could you? ¬†I thought we had something special. ¬†You were such a laid-back babysitter! ¬† I spent the entire summer before leaving for college rooting for you in Scott Baio is 45…and Single¬†on VH1. ¬†The only explanation I can think of is that your wife is super blonde and Utah-ish, so maybe she’s Mormon? ¬†That would help explain why she put up with your douchebaggery for so long and still decided to marry you. ¬†Nonetheless… I must let you go.

 

Jenna Jameson

I ‘m no prude, Ms. Jameson. ¬†I read your book, and your ghostwriter did a very good job. ¬†I’m cool with porn. ¬†What I am not cool with, Ms. Jameson, is your public endorsement of Mitt Romney because you think he’ll make you rich. ¬†You know what else he’ll make you? ¬†A celibate nun. ¬†So good luck with that.

 

Chuck Norris

I spent at least 50% of my college life procrastination coming up with Chuck Norris jokes. ¬†I even have an affinity for ginger men. ¬†I dreamed of one day learning the art of the roundhouse kick at your side, you as my sensei and I your grasshopper. ¬†Your Bowflex¬†infomercials were an instant cure for my insomnia for years. ¬†But alas…my loyal devotion wasn’t enough for you, was it? ¬†No. ¬†God and guns is what you live your life for. ¬†I wonder if the tears I’m shedding for you right now will, in fact, cure cancer? ¬†If they do, you will never know.

 

Kirk and Candace Cameron

Curse you, you blonde 90s teen idol sibling duo! ¬†Gone are the days of delightfully¬†mischievous¬†Mike Seaver and wonderfully naive Donna Jo Tanner. ¬†While your glassy-eyed Republican devotion is nothing new this election season, it still hurts as much as the day I first heard Kirky bash homosexuals. ¬†I’m sorry, Cameron siblings. ¬†I’m sorry that the world is full of color and personality and not zombie Duggar children. ¬†Some women exert control over their¬†uteruses¬†AND their brains, you know? ¬†No. ¬†N0, you don’t know. ¬†And now my fond memories of growing up alongside you are tarnished forever. ¬†I feel like I’ve been cast aside, like Comet the dog. Oh my lanta. ¬†Oh my lanta indeed.

 

Meatloaf

I’ve saved the best for last. ¬†Yesterday, you publicly endorsed Mitt Romney due to your concern regarding the Cold War. ¬†And because you don’t like storms or something, and Democrats bring storms? ¬†I don’t know. ¬†But what I do know is that I won’t let your passions influence me any longer. ¬†I won’t become a Republican for you. ¬†I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. ¬†Capisce?

 

(Photos: WENN)

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • bostongirl

    Why would anyone care what you think?

    • http://www.facebook.com/katelyn.hough Katelyn Hough

      Why are you reading articles on a celebrity gossip website that are satirical opinions (key word: opinions) if you aren’t interested in what people think?

    • Jenni

      Great question Katelyn! I eagerly await Bostongirl’s response!

    • bostongirl

      The problem with the internet is that everybody now thinks they are writers & experts on everything

    • http://www.facebook.com/katelyn.hough Katelyn Hough

      Clearly, as an employer of Crushable.com, her articles are written for people to read. People read and like her articles, which is why she is able to retain employment. Might I point out, you read her article as well. Also, from the website itself:

      “Rather than simply relaying general news, Crushable delivers original reporting and commentary in a fresh voice‚ÄĒand fills editorial gaps where other entertainment-specific properties fall flat.”

      They are not claiming to be experts about anything; rather, their goal is to relay news with a “fresh voice.” If your political ideology prevents you from being able to enjoy a satirical article, I’m very sorry.

    • bostongirl

      wow, now I have to accept & like every article I read.

    • http://www.facebook.com/katelyn.hough Katelyn Hough

      I’m so glad that’s what you were able to glean from my response. You demonstrate a clear ability to understand what you read.

    • bostongirl

      Don’t you write your articles for anyone to read?

    • http://www.facebook.com/anice.yantez Anice Yantez

      bostongirl’s a hater, bostongirl’s a hater… oh, and a loser too…

    • bostongirl

      Wow, great comeback

  • ArrestedDeveloper

    Seems a bit small-minded to dislike someone just because of political affiliation.

    • bostongirl

      I guess these days when someone writes something they think is clever everyone has to like it.

  • Cassandra Hough

    This was pure satire, guys. I was being ridiculous on purpose, unless you think my devotion to Chuck Norris is legit.

    • Lina

      I got you, Cassandra. I thought it was hilariously brilliant!

    • http://www.facebook.com/katelyn.hough Katelyn Hough

      I’m just so sad that the cuts in state funding for education have lead to a generation of internet trolls who don’t understand satire.

    • Jenni

      Is the one day in English class when you learn about satire the first thing that gets cut?

  • MP

    And I bid adieu to Lena Dunham who proved this week she is as uninformed as her “Girls” character. REALLY study what is going on in this country and THEN try to sway voters Obama’s way, Lena.

  • tgallu

    It seems that the Republican readers are still a tad too sore – not
    yet able to laugh off silly, irreverent humor that is aimed in their
    direction. Most Democrats have experienced this type of despair more
    than once in the past few decades ( and yes, too be fair & honest,
    we too woke up after many elections like a bears w/ a sore a$$) however,
    lets not lose sight that we are all Americans – not enemies (I hope…), simply different views.
    I know that some on the “right” simply cannot accept this premise and have written Democrats off as the spawn of Satan, or Stalin, or some Jihad-ist plot to
    overthrow the USA….but seriously, if Republicans really care about
    their party and are willing to view what is happening with some honest
    self-appraisal, you should run as fast as you can from the lunatics that
    are lurking in your midst. No, Republicans do not have a corner on
    lunatics – Democrats have plenty as well.
    But we, as a nation, cannot afford to court the lunatic fringe – call them our base
    constituents – enrage them with pictures of the Apocalypse – give them pitchforks & torches – and then be surprised that we may have alienated some folks, not to mention lost an election or two.
    Over the past four years the Republicans have taken some of their most wise, intelligent, and thoughtful leaders…..and fed them to the gnashing, blood thirsty wing-nuts that
    have encircled their tent. Lugar, Snow, and too many others to mention
    here, have either been voted out by the “New Face of the Republican
    Party” or they have left in disgust. Hell, even John McCain, a war hero, although he still retains his seat…..has been attacked relentlessly as being a RINO.
    Even though I am a Democrat and I disagreed w/ many of their stances, I
    still had respect for a lot of these people…because they were smart,
    and because they knew that at the end of the day compromise was the only
    way to govern in a fractious Democracy.

    Whether or not some of your policies have merit….? I don’t think so….but you may never know, because your strategy has failed you. Your ideas have become smothered beneath the corrosive rhetoric that your rabid propagandists have driven into people’s ears. Your moderates are running for their lives….and again, your lunatic fringe is demanding a forced march into, quite frankly, a frightening world view that is looking more & more like a weird, Evangelical Christian, Corporate Oligarchy.

    Orwell & Huxley couldn’t have written it any weirder….this isn’t Science Fiction – this is scary as sh^t fact. Good luck…………..

  • its_slender_yo731

    Ugh, I get this is supposed to be a satirical article, but it’s almost too far left for me to read. I don’t side directly with either political party, and yes I took the time to read this article because it spiked my political interests. I really wanted Mitt Romney to win the presidency. Really, really, really badly. My parents had to suffer from Obama’s Robin Hood tactic of taking from the wealthy and giving to the poor. And what did he do for a whole term? Blamed those before him. I can’t say they did the best of jobs, but it’s not *cough* easy to run a country. Maybe Obama would have made a better president if he could think for himself. We all saw what happened during the debates when he didn’t have a teleprompter to help him with his eloquence. People say you can’t fix a country that’s ripping at the seams in only 4 years. I get that, and I agree. But sitting there and blaming others won’t fix anything. I know people might take the time to read this and then call me a “hater” but I’m all right with that. The ignorance of America is almost suffocating. Also, I would really hope that the Republicans would change some of their political views, they’re a little to traditional(religious based) for modern society. Everyone bagged on Romney for being religious, but then it’s okay to vote for someone because of their skin color and not their policies? I see some prejudice here. Neither side is perfect, we all know that. I just wish people (like the author of this article) would take the time to research the politics before going on about such nonsense of why you don’t like a party because of what the media tells you. You can poke fun at a political party all you want, but be educated about what you’re saying so you don’t make some er.. interesting (stereotypical) points about another party.

    ~Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read this. ^-^