As the rest of America counts down the days to the 2012 Presidential election and the end of racist/homophobic/poorly spelled political Facebook rants, I’ve decided to count down my favorite Republican celebrities. ¬†It’s no secret that 99% of respectable Hollywood supports President Obama–Hollywood has always been a haven for lefty liberals, which is really nice for someone like me. ¬†Even if I think you’re a shitty actor, I will probably end up reluctantly liking/respecting you if you support the same candidate I support, and can justify it in a way that goes beyond elementary school logic.
What I’m having a hard time coming to terms with, however, are my favorite celebrities that have emerged from the Republican closet this year. ¬†My heart is broken and my faith in Hollywood may never be restored. ¬†Therefore, the time has come for me to say goodbye to you, out and proud celebrity Republicans. ¬†It’s not easy. ¬†As I bid adieu to my love for you, celebrity elephants, Taylor Swift is crooning softly in the background and a Hostess cupcake is waiting for me in the kitchen.
You were so cool, Stacy Dash. ¬†You taught me slang ¬†phrases about sex that my 5th grade mind could not comprehend, yet I was wise beyond my years because of you and your Clueless¬†ways. ¬†I will now place my white thigh-highs and patent-leather top hat into the fire.
Charles, Charles, Charles. ¬†Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. ¬†How could you? ¬†I thought we had something special. ¬†You were such a laid-back babysitter! ¬† I spent the entire summer before leaving for college rooting for you in Scott Baio is 45…and Single¬†on VH1. ¬†The only explanation I can think of is that your wife is super blonde and Utah-ish, so maybe she’s Mormon? ¬†That would help explain why she put up with your douchebaggery for so long and still decided to marry you. ¬†Nonetheless… I must let you go.
I ‘m no prude, Ms. Jameson. ¬†I read your book, and your ghostwriter did a very good job. ¬†I’m cool with porn. ¬†What I am not cool with, Ms. Jameson, is your public endorsement of Mitt Romney because you think he’ll make you rich. ¬†You know what else he’ll make you? ¬†A celibate nun. ¬†So good luck with that.
I spent at least 50% of my college life procrastination coming up with Chuck Norris jokes. ¬†I even have an affinity for ginger men. ¬†I dreamed of one day learning the art of the roundhouse kick at your side, you as my sensei and I your grasshopper. ¬†Your Bowflex¬†infomercials were an instant cure for my insomnia for years. ¬†But alas…my loyal devotion wasn’t enough for you, was it? ¬†No. ¬†God and guns is what you live your life for. ¬†I wonder if the tears I’m shedding for you right now will, in fact, cure cancer? ¬†If they do, you will never know.
Kirk and Candace Cameron
Curse you, you blonde 90s teen idol sibling duo! ¬†Gone are the days of delightfully¬†mischievous¬†Mike Seaver and wonderfully naive Donna Jo Tanner. ¬†While your glassy-eyed Republican devotion is nothing new this election season, it still hurts as much as the day I first heard Kirky bash homosexuals. ¬†I’m sorry, Cameron siblings. ¬†I’m sorry that the world is full of color and personality and not zombie Duggar children. ¬†Some women exert control over their¬†uteruses¬†AND their brains, you know? ¬†No. ¬†N0, you don’t know. ¬†And now my fond memories of growing up alongside you are tarnished forever. ¬†I feel like I’ve been cast aside, like Comet the dog. Oh my lanta. ¬†Oh my lanta indeed.
I’ve saved the best for last. ¬†Yesterday, you publicly endorsed Mitt Romney due to your concern regarding the Cold War. ¬†And because you don’t like storms or something, and Democrats bring storms? ¬†I don’t know. ¬†But what I do know is that I won’t let your passions influence me any longer. ¬†I won’t become a Republican for you. ¬†I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. ¬†Capisce?