New couple alert! Page Six reports today that 34-year-old Renaissance man James Franco is currently dating 22-year-old actress Ashley Benson, who I am guessing he got to know when they were filming Spring Breakers together. I guess his spot-on Keven Federline impersonation really did it for her. Anyway, this made us wonder: what’s it like to date James Franco? Is it just totally exhausting, or what? Let’s imagine a day in the life of James Franco’s girlfriend.
6:00 am: James Franco’s alarm goes off. You’re a little annoyed at being woken up so early, but who could complain about waking up next to this handsome fella? You fiddle under the blankets for a little somethin’ somethin’, and he reaches over without looking to stimulate you with a single digit while simultaneously memorizing a script and proofreading his new book of poetry.
7:00 am: He prepares a breakfast of bacon, eggs, ramen noodles, truffle salt, Jello Jigglers, ironic chocolate pudding, and miso-glazed pork shoulder. It’s a little weird, but you compliment him anyway because cooking is his latest “adventure.”
8:00 am: James Franco is very busy! He kisses you once, really meaningfully, on the forehead, and then is out the door. Time to go forth and create!
8:00 am-4:00 am six days later: James Franco is off on a creative journey to the heart of the everything. (Not a typo.) He does not return your texts.
4:00 am: six days later: James Franco arrives home covered in mud, tomatoes, his blood, other people’s blood, shit, semen, and birthday cake. He wordlessly draws himself a bath.
5:00 am-6:00 am: Quality couple time.