I knew this day would come, and I’m still not ready for it. According to unconfirmed reports, Adele has allegedly given birth to a wee baby boy with fiancee Simon Konecki, which means that as of this moment, I am officially jealous of a tiny human infant. It’s true that usually I try to limit my crippling jealousies to established celebrities like Amy Poehler or Lena Dunham, but in this case I’m willing to make an exception for the son of the only artist in the world that everyone can agree is amazing. She’s like a music universal — she’s the Greenwich Mean Time of pop music. Nobody does like this woman, and now she’s gonna be caring for a tiny bundle of adorability instead of releasing new wonder-albums like 19 and 21, so I say let the wild capers begin.
Here’s what I need. First of all, someone needs to get a picture of this baby and find out his name. At that point, I can disguise myself as him and begin to assume his identity, so that I can tell the world what it’s like to be raised by an international superstar who happens to sign jaw-dropping lullabies. It’s a fail-safe plan. It’s essentially The Parent Trap, except I don’t have to get my parents to remarry each other, so there’s less work to do. I will unfortunately have to fabricate a ridiculous British accent like Lindsay Lohan did for the remake, but I’ll be given a longer time and excused for fewer errors, what with being a baby and all.
I know what you’re thinking — this is a terrible and whimsical plan, Alexis. And you’re right. I could never lie to Adele for long enough to pull this off, even though I would’ve come up with a really fabulous baby costume. It’s just that I haven’t even really absorbed the news yet. It was only four months ago that she used her website to inform the world that she was pregnant, so we missed out on a solid five months of time where I could’ve been gently breaking the news to myself that I’ll never be adopted by Adele.
I guess I could’ve gathered that from the fact that I’m actually older than her, but you know what — I’m an optimistic person, so get off my back and re-listen to her theme song for Skyfall while we all dry our tears and pick out a congratulatory Edible Arrangement.
(Image: Adriana M. Barraza / WENN.com)