You know that thing where someone tells you something and immediately your head is crowded with terrible thoughts because you’re a horrible human being? Except you can’t say them out loud because you also live in polite society and you don’t want people to think you’re the worst? Welllllll that happens to me, except at a rate probably 200% higher than the average human. I don’t know why, I just have some judge-y thoughts. I was born this way. So I typically keep those thoughts to myself, because that is what my parents and the good Lord intended, but sometimes I don’t because they’re funny and this is a blog and I’m not famous so it doesn’t really matter.
With all those things in mind. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake got married yesterday. I know! Great! Joyous occasion, we’re all so excited! Except that (as previously mentioned) I’m the worst,
- I can’t believe they actually went through with this.
- Wait. They invited Chris Kirkpatrick?
- So is Justin changing his last name or is Jessica? Jesstin Timberbiel. Jussica Bimberlake? Jestinca Bimbertron? I need to go lie down.
- I wonder how many sentences were in the longest conversation these two ever had together. Two? Three? Eight?
- If they have to combine their wealth now, does that mean he got quantifiably hotter?
- …and she got quantifiably more talented?
- What boring J names are these kids gonna get saddled with? Jennifer. Jonathan. Jehovah. Jinglebell.
- Congratulations, you’re still not a power couple.
- Do you think they played Justin Timberlake songs at the reception? That’s actually a serious question that I would like the answer to now and forever — do famous artists dance to their own songs?
- Ooh, if they break up, we’re gonna get a really angsty awesome JT album out of the bargain.
See? I’m the worst. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, but also don’t try to tell me you weren’t thinking some of those things yourself.
(Image: Caroline Torem Craig / WENN.com)