My 10 Worst Thoughts About The Justin Timberlake – Jessica Biel Marriage

You know that thing where someone tells you something and immediately your head is crowded with terrible thoughts because you’re a horrible human being? Except you can’t say them out loud because you also live in polite society and you don’t want people to think you’re the worst? Welllllll that happens to me, except at a rate probably 200% higher than the average human. I don’t know why, I just have some judge-y thoughts. I was born this way. So I typically keep those thoughts to myself, because that is what my parents and the good Lord intended, but sometimes I don’t because they’re funny and this is a blog and I’m not famous so it doesn’t really matter.

With all those things in mind. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake got married yesterday. I know! Great! Joyous occasion, we’re all so excited! Except that (as previously mentioned) I’m the worst,

  1. I can’t believe they actually went through with this.
  2. Wait. They invited Chris Kirkpatrick?
  3. So is Justin changing his last name or is Jessica? Jesstin Timberbiel. Jussica Bimberlake? Jestinca Bimbertron? I need to go lie down.
  4. I wonder how many sentences were in the longest conversation these two ever had together. Two? Three? Eight?
  5. If they have to combine their wealth now, does that mean he got quantifiably hotter?
  6. …and she got quantifiably more talented?
  7. What boring J names are these kids gonna get saddled with? Jennifer. Jonathan. Jehovah. Jinglebell.
  8. Congratulations, you’re still not a power couple.
  9. Do you think they played Justin Timberlake songs at the reception? That’s actually a serious question that I would like the answer to now and forever — do famous artists dance to their own songs?
  10. Ooh, if they break up, we’re gonna get a really angsty awesome JT album out of the bargain.

See? I’m the worst. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, but also don’t try to tell me you weren’t thinking some of those things yourself.

(Image: Caroline Torem Craig /

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    • Amy

      Number nine is a legitimate question, and not even too mean! Any famous singers, give us your knowledge!

    • wasting time at work

      a real question; how old are you… an immature brain cell-less child -tell me you are not paid for this. My nine old year could do this job. Where does she sign up

      • Jenni

        While I’m sad to hear you’re putting your nine year old to work, he/she can apply by emailing editor (at) crushable (dot) com!

      • wasting time at work

        What sadder is it would her more time cleaning her room ( she moves everything into closet, then me checking closet and proclaiming her clean room again!… while the piles may or may not go under bed… another check) vs time spent coming up with ten things on random celebrities is a mere unremarkable feat.

      • Jenni

        Re: her room, that is very sad! Perhaps if she wrote for us, she could make enough money to hire a maid?

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