Almost every morning I wake up and think — “Man, I really don’t hate Chris Brown enough today. I wish he’d just get on with it and do something so slimy that even I can’t get over it.” You know what I mean? Beating the shit out of Rihanna‘s face wasn’t enough, and neither was brawling in public with Drake. For some reason violence against women and in general wasn’t enough to stop me and my fellow music-buyers of America from supporting this guy, so I need more! And luckily for me, Chris is happy to provide it. But this shouldn’t all be on him! I bet Rihanna could do some stuff too that would really irritate and aggravate me. She could refuse to assist in the criminal investigation of the violence perpetrated against her, or even get back together with the man who beat her, but somehow that just isn’t enough. I think we need to turn to something a little more emotional, because disrespecting herself and her body is so 2010 now. Give me something juicier. Something I can really sink my teeth into.
Cut to 2012. We know that these two are essentially back together, and announcing it to the world at the same time that Chris’ next album drops — November 19th. I’m disgusted enough by that. But now come to find out that Chris has mentioned he’d like it if Rihanna went up about a cup size in the boob department? AWESOME. Nothing drastic, y’know, just a little something to reassure him of her blind devotion to him and his terrifying mental control over her. There’s nothing more attractive than a guy showing you how much he cares about you by hitting you in the face and then asking you to get a boob job. Literally my knees are all aquiver with girlish infatuation. This news doesn’t come straight from Chris or Rihanna, of course, but instead through a ‘close friend’, who also says:
“[She's] always been insecure about her cleavage, but Chris’s comment has spurred her on to really do something about it. Rihanna can’t help herself. What she really wants is something she can’t have – a committed relationship with Chris… It’s horrifying seeing how much control Chris still has over her. It’s like she’s hypnotized.”
Oh the fairy tales they’ll write about this saga of love. I can’t wait to read them! Said no one. Ever.