Ever since Snooki went and got herself knocked up before this current season of Jersey Shore, the wind has sort of gone out of my sails. She was always the drunkest little troublemaker in show business, and I relied on her to go tumbling down the boardwalk and try to make it with a seagull. The rest of the cast was crazy too, obviously, but like 84% of the places they ended up last season were because Snooki drifted there like a drunken tumbleweed and they had to follow her. Add her fellow meatball Deena to that equation, and a non-sober Mike, and we had ourselves the ingredients for a brawl like every night. EVERY NIGHT. The roles that Pauly, Vinny, Ronnie, Sam, and Jenni played were important, but kind of background. Any time that Snooki wasn’t drunk enough to throw a bottle at Mike, Ronnie and Sam could break up at the bar or Pauly and Vinny could fight over the Smush Room or blow the grenade horn at some zoo animals.
BUT NOW. Now, the void of drunkest dumpling in the house has got to be filled, and nobody really has their eye on that prize…except little miss Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley. It was a smart time to go for the gold, actually. Deena would’ve been an early favorite, but she’s distracted by her Horcrux of a boyfriend in which she’s hidden part of her soul, and obviously Snooki is full of baby and Mike is full of sobriety. Pauly could’ve done it, but he’s full of catchphrases and Vinny revealed this week that he caught feelings for a girl at home so he’s takin’ it ease. So yeah, I guess JWoww’s really the only one left, except for Sammi, but she’s already had too many plot arcs, so this one’s all you, Jenni.
Cut to our lady doing bar crawls, fighting with her boyfriend in public, and actually getting a little schwastey, for once! She used to be all about staying sober to babysit Nicole, but with her little munchkin all growed up, she’s free to empty nest the night away. She threw Roger a surprise party this week, which he was conveniently an hour and fifteen minutes late for, and on another occasion, got thrown out of the way by her neck when she was trying to hold Roger back from fighting! Oh come on! Getting assaulted at a bar?? That’s so Snooki-like! All we need from her now is peeing in public, baby talking, and burping at farting at will.
C’mon Jenni. I know you have it in you.