Last night, the new season of American Horror Story premiered with a star-studded bang just in time for Halloweeeeen. It was a regular clusterfuck of familiar faces, and some moments were genuinely scary. However, I’m afraid there were far more “oofs” in the hour-long premiere than “eeks,” so I’m rounding up the ten most unintentionally hilarious moments.
1. Adam Levine inspires an instantaneously and viscerally negative reaction in me, so it was a relief when, after just a little while of putting his paws and penis on Jenna Dewan-Tatum, he had his arm chopped off mid-blowjob. What’s that you said about your moves like Jagger? I can’t understand you through all the gurgling.
2. Chloe Sevigny is basically playing a hypersexual version of her character on Big Love. Are all nymphomaniacs this blustery?
3. Jessica Lange is a beautiful woman and I’m mostly able to ignore her plastic surgery because her acting is so good, but there’s no way in hell any nun ever would’ve had that much work done on her face.
4. “Bloody Face” is a terrible name for a murderer because it reminds me waaaay too much of “Murderface.” (Metalocalypse, anyone?) Also, it’s silly. And do they really need to rip off Texas Chainsaw Massacre with the mask made of human skin? Get your own creepy thing.
5. “I’ll always win against the patriarchal male.” I kind of like it that a nun is talking like this, but it sounds like something an overly confident academic feminist would say, not a woman of the cloth.
6. The scene where she puts the holy water on herself, all sexy like.
7. “It wasn’t me! Those women were killed by racist, insectoid aliens from outer space with a penchant for dubstep!” No wonder no one believes him.
8. The clunky way the priest and nun’s dialogue situates the story between 1963 and 1969 by talking about current historical events.
9. WHY IS THE PACING SO WEIRD AND FAST WHENEVER JESSICA LANGE IS TALKING TO SOMEONE? Is this supposed to disorient and scare me? Because…it’s working, maybe?
10. I actually kind of liked the way they worked in gay marriage (topical!) but if Clea Duvall really loved Journalist Lana, she’d choose having to move to a new town, where she would totally be able to get another job because there’s no internet yet, over letting her girlfriend be tortured by an insane, sadistic, homophobic nun, no?
How much more will Adam Levine suffer before he dies a bloody, hilarious death? Tune in next week!
Screenshot: Drew Grant