Last night Breaking Amish turned into every hot tub scene from every season of Real World. Everyone’s hooking up with everyone and it won’t be long before someone loses it and cries uncontrollably over all the scripted drama.
Just kidding. Because that happened last night too! We’re finally watching an authentic reality show and I couldn’t be happier.
We have sex! We have biological fathers! We have risque modeling careers! We have OFFICIALLY BROKEN AMISH!!!!
Let’s start with the world’s most boring couple: Abe and Rebecca. After courting Rebecca for three hours, Abe’s decided she’s the one. And that’s terrific news, because according to allegations they already have a child together! So it’s always nice when these things work out. Yay for the couple destined to do the missionary position for the rest of their lives!
But despite being the happiest little couple to ever fall in love on a reality show, they have no money. Abe can’t afford the $550 engagement ring he wants to get Rebecca. While I’d take that as a sign that he may not be ready to get married — he takes it as a sign that he should borrow money from Jeremiah.
Jeremiah’s all like, “look I’ve been married before and it sucks because women are all bitches and shit.” But then affectionately adds, “but if that’s what Abe wants, I’ll give him the money.”
Where did Jeremiah get this money from? Where did any of them get their money from? Does TLC give out allowances? Why do I now have more questions for Breaking Amish than I did for Abby & Brittany?
Anyway, the impending engagement between Abe and Rebecca puts Jeremiah in a romantic mood. So he thinks up the best way to seduce Sabrina and settles on calling her a slut, loudly and publicly. While at first she’s totally peeved that he’d call her a slut, she eventually comes around and the episode ends with the insinuation that they might be doing some physical flirtation very soon.
So they’re basically having sex. Rebecca and Abe’s alleged child lead us to believe they’re currently having sex. And that just leaves poor crazy Kate out on the spinster wagon.
But that’s for the best.
The last thing she needs are more hormones coursing through her body. Not only do we find out that she’s a bipolar alcoholic with an eating disorder during some kind of intervention moment, but we also find out that she sleep-salem-witch-trials-people. That’s like sleepwalking, but much more dangerous.
In the middle of the night, she wakes Sabrina up with her flip cam and accuses her and Jeremiah of doing witchcraft. Sabrina freaks out because she’s not camera ready when she’s sleeping and runs to Jeremiah for protection. Jeremiah jumps to his slut’s defense, accuses Kate of putting something in Sabrina’s drink and decides they’re switching around the hotel arrangements. Rebecca, Abe, Sabrina and Jeremiah will now all sleep in one room, and Kate will sleep in the other.
Kate doesn’t take this news well and it’s Tears City up in that hotel room. Until she realizes that she just crazied herself into her own room — and that’s kinda awesome. Space! Privacy! No weird noises coming from Abe and Rebecca in the dark!
This could work out great in the end. Or not, because Kate’s crazy and being rational doesn’t seem to be her thing.