You guys, I just found out that Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow are white! Sure, I could’ve looked at their skin at any point during either one of their illustrious careers, but that felt racist to me, so I decided I’d just wait for them to reveal it to me in another way. And they finally did! Let me tell you how.
Cameron and Gwyneth are apparently friends in real life, and they know Chelsea Handler as well. Because blondes gotta stick together in this crazy world. In honor of Chelsea getting a new studio space for her show Chelsea Lately, the two ladies made her a video in which they ‘beat box’ and ‘rap’ and ‘dance’. I use the quotation marks because they do not successfully do any of those things. They only sort of do them, and in the process, reveal that they are incredibly, painfully, blindingly white. Chelsea introduced them by saying:
“To celebrate the move to my studio, a couple of colleagues I know with deep, deep ties to the hip-hop community, drop some lyrics for me…I give you MC Gwyneth Paltrow and DJ Jazzy Cameron Diaz.”
And yeah, it only got better from there. Cameron provided the beat, while Gwyneth did most of the rapping, including some gems like, “We hope this rap is enough, and by the way, 50 Cent says you like it rough.” BOOM. Now that’s how you lay down a sick track. You gon’ make all those panties drop. Throw a couple of awkward pelvic thrusts in there, and you’ve got yourself a music video.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go down to my local bodega and see if I can buy a little street cred. And maybe also some Cheetos.