Here Comes The Boom Will Give Mediocre Men Everywhere False Hope

Here Comes The Boom is about a typical guy. Kevin James plays an apathetic high school teacher. He’s single, he’s kind of fat, he seems pretty nice but he also doesn’t have that much going for him. I guess he’s pretty relatable. It’s not like his character could have been played by Ryan Gosling, because no one would believe that The Gos was 42, single, and anything close to a boring teacher. Unless he also moonlighted as a jewel thief or ran a secret art heist operation. But Kevin James? He’s the King of Queens, your average Joe Shmo. That guy.

Therein lies the problem. Kevin James as Scott Voss is completely mediocre, and completely relatable. And then he goes and does some shit (or tries to) that no other mediocre guy would be able to do in real life!

He tries to make cage fighting funny, for one. Because cage fighting is such a funny thing? I always thought it was more like the opposite of funny. Painful, scary, and intense. But not so much “funny.”

And it wasn’t really. I certainly didn’t walk out thinking, “Wow, cage fighting is such an inherently funny sport!” It did connect at times, but in more of a visceral, flinch inducing way. The sound effects were pretty on point—every punch to the head Kevin James endured sounded like it was really fucking painful and made me squirm in my seat—but the comedy… let’s just say that I left the theater feeling more phantom pain in my body from watching all the beatings than I felt pain in my side induced by a modicum of hilarity. I probably shouldn’t even be writing the word hilarity in this review. I don’t want to mislead the public. The movie does enough of that on its own.

Beyond cage fighting not being a very funny thing, it’s also not something that anyone can do. I’m unsure as to why Here Comes The Boom would make it seem otherwise.

Oh right! We can do anything we put our minds to, how silly of me to have forgotten. The King of Queens can become a cage fighter! And i can sing like Adele! If i really want it, it will happen, right? At least that’s the message the movie sends, and in doing so, I think it’s also doing a pretty big disservice to all of the real life Scot Vosses out there.

In all fairness, Here Comes The Boom was moderately enjoyable. But that’s just it… it was simply okay. Which is what I would expect Kevin James to be as a fighter. He was all right, and by all right I mean that he could definitely knock me out. He probably weighs at least twice as much as I do, though. I believe that Kevin James could also beat up Michael J. Fox (but who would want to do that?!), Bob Barker (is he dead yet?), and maybe Pat Sajak. But ya know who he couldn’t beat up? Sylvester Stallone, the Terminator, or Alex Trebek. And definitely not anyone in the UFC. Not even after a month of doing lots of sit ups and punching hard objects. That’s just not how shit works.

What peeved me most about this film is that Kevin James would have been more believable as anything but a mixed martial artist. Like a hip hop dancer. For some reason, I can see him busting out the pop and locks, but not the superman punches. Or at least I can imagine him trying to pop and lock, which would have been funnier than him trying to fight someone who’s neck veins look like they’re about to explode and spray steroid juice all over everyone within a 10 foot radius.

Which is why I say to the men of America: please don’t think that this could be you. I’m no expert, but I feel pretty confident in saying that you cannot become a champion cage fighter in less than 6 months. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you can’t become a champion cage fighter unless you’ve been cage fighting for a very, very long time, and also have some sort of genetic mutation, like the Hulk. The truth is you will most likely never become a great fighter. The truth is that Kevin James playing Scott Voss didn’t even become a great fighter, they just made it seem that way. Good thing I’m here to clarify things for you, because Here Comes The Boom was a bit confusing. In the movie, Kevin James actually does fight. And he doesn’t get killed. And that’s just crazy to think about.

He also thinks he can bag Salma Hayek, and raise an obscene amount of money in like, 6 months. Totally realistic. Yeah, right.

(Photo: Sony/Boom-Movie.com)

You can reach this post's author, Emma Bracy, on twitter.
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