Like all the etiquette books say, there are three topics that you should avoid in polite conversation: money, politics, and Lindsay Lohan. It takes some effort to avoid them, I know, especially during an expensive election year when Lilo is imploding like a human supernova, but you have to do it or you’re gonna make people uncomfortable. HOWEVER. That said, we live in America, and you can do whatever you want. So if you really really have to talk about Lindsay and her exploits, we’ve provided a handy guide to help you negotiate all the twists and turns of that thorny conversation, including her plastic surgery, her car troubles, and her recent phone call wherein she accuses her mother, Dina Lohan, of kidnapping her while on cocaine. You know, normal stuff. So. You’re at a cocktail party and you want to bring up Lindsay Lohan. Here are some rules to follow to make sure you don’t offend anyone.
1. Always refer to Lindsay as ‘the subject’ or ‘the accused’. Lindsay has been suspected of a lot of things, but very few of them have ever been proven, so it’s best not to assign yourself a bias right off the bat by calling her ‘that criminal’ or or ‘Crime-y Poppins’. You are entitled to your own opinion, but you want to come off as fair and balanced in conversation, so keep these thoughts to yourself until you get the vibe of the room.
2. If you’re at a party, it’s safe to assume that there’s at least one Lohan on premises. If there’s cocaine present, that number could go as high as four. With that said, you have to really modulate your volume. If you mention Elizabeth Taylor or driving while intoxicated, there’s a good chance that Dina’s face will appear in your drink until she can determine your location, at which point she will arrive.
3. Always be informed. With a family that’s as messy as the Lohans, there’s always some new drama, and there’s nothing worse than someone who starts a conversation and then clearly has no facts to back it up. If you’re going to begin a dialogue, be aware that it’s likely to turn into a discourse, and you may be expected to form opinions on topics as far back as, say, 1998, when Lindsay first starred in The Parent Trap.
4. Don’t get comfortable. Even if it seems like the room is on your side, you have to remain alert and aware. I’ve been writing disparaging articles on Lindsay for months now, and none of her fans have yet come out in her support. Which, of course, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have fans. Au contraire. All it means is that her fans are deep underground amassing an army. They must be the truest and most loyal fans of all the celebrity fans, and to incur their wrath means certain death. So all I’m saying is be careful, because I know they’re out there. They have to be. It’s impossible that she has no one left in the world.
5. Make sure to phrase things as an opinion. Make ‘I’ statements. For example, instead of “Lindsay Lohan is in a downward spiral”, try “I feel that Lindsay Lohan is a waste of time and space.” Or instead of, “She is not a good driver,” try, “Golly I wish she’d stop crashing into things and driving away while allegedly under the influence of alcohol and cocaine.” This way, you can get your point across without offending anybody.
5. That’s her real face. Don’t make the same mistake I did and tell someone that gnomes have been systematically puffing up portions of her face with an old bike pump whenever she goes to sleep. Because that is not the case.
And that should do it! With this handy guide, you should be able to speak on all manner of Lohan tragedies — whether past, present, or future. Not that I’m saying she’ll ever do anything crazy/wrong/deranged/drug-addled/puzzling again. I would never say something like that in mixed company. My mama raised me right.