• Wed, Oct 10 2012

I Don’t Feel Sorry For You Gwen Stefani: You Are The Shit Even If You Get Divorced

I don’t feel sorry for you Gwen Stefani,even if you and Gavin Rossdale are breaking up because you ain’t no hollaback girl. You got this.

That’s right. In a rare state of events, this week’s column will not be used to make fun of someone. Instead, I will celebrate the unstoppable force that is one Gwen Stefani.

Rumors are swirling that Gwen and Gavin I Already Forgot His Name are breaking up. Now, this sucks because I am already a little iffy on the sanctity of this whole “marriage” thing and I need celebrities to prove to me that it’s not a big fucking sham. That little personal goal aside, it’s just sad when two people who built a family together break up. But if Gwen and Gavin are not meant to be, I know she’s going to be just fine. Because Gwen Stefani is the shit. And the shit is bananas.

Gwen is a perfect mix of lady and punk rocker. I strongly believe, even if we ladies wear petticoats and pigtails on the outside, we need a little punk rock on the inside. Because without it, you’ll be treated like… you’re wearing a petticoat in 2012. And Gwen is the embodiment of this duality. (I said duality! Gwen brings out the best even in my word choice!) She’ll kick and scream on stage about the politics of being just a girl but still look stunning in her signature ruby red lips. She’s hard and soft at the same time. She’s power and she’s beauty. If you still don’t understand, put on her new “Push and Shove” video and dance to it in your underwear. That last part is optional. But yeah. You get the point.

Gwen is the ultimate businesswoman. She founded a clothing line, L.A.M.B., that happens to have made my favorite pair of shoes that I own. Like any great pair of shoes they are ridiculous and I can’t walk in them. And I have Gwen to thank for that. Because if she thought I was just a normal girl who should wear shoes that she could get sensibly from point A to point B in, then she wouldn’t be Gwen Stefani and I wouldn’t have plantar fasciitis. And I think we’re both happy with the way this turned out for us.

Gwenny Gwen Gwen is extremely pure intentioned. She started playing music because she loved singing. She didn’t care about getting famous. And then after she tried her solo career out for a while, she came back to No Doubt because she liked playing with the band better than going solo. She’s in it for the art. And yeah, she got really rich doing it, but I like to think that she would still be doing it even if she was a nobody.

She keeps it real. Look, Gwen has amazing Hollywood abs. But she is also oft-quoted saying that in order to keep her amazing body she has to torture herself. THANK YOU. THANK. YOU. T to the H-A – you get the point. I hate that shit that celebrities try to pull that’s all “Oh running after my kids keeps me in shape.” That’s bullshit. If that were true, then I would have very toned arms from going shopping and a six pack from digesting pounds of candy corn. Gwen is honest about the demands placed on her, and I respect that.

Finally, Gwen is gorgeous. I mean, I have to mention this. Any girl-crush article can’t end without a pure unadulterated appreciation of said crush’s looks. Girlfriend is the face of L’Oreal and for good reason. Might I again point you to the Push and Shove video, where she appears absolutely hot. And Gwen’s hotness doesn’t just come from the outside. It comes from the inside. Which is bananas.

 

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