As someone who made the list of “100,000 most popular bloggers who feel that their job is as intertwined with TLC’s programming as Abby and Brittany Hensel are with each other,” I’m proud to say I receive a lot of hate mail.
It usually arrives in my inbox in the early weekend hours and lingers there until I can print it out and frame it for my parents. I’m equally obsessed with reading emails about why I didn’t deserve to be born as well as intrigued by the person who sent them. It’s one thing to comment on a post. And it’s another thing to tweet death threats. But taking the time to email someone brings it to an entirely different level.
Who are these tech-savvy gurus who hold so much hatred in their hearts? I can’t even begin to guess. Mostly because they’re much more important than me. After all, it’s not just anybody who takes time out of his/her day to send someone a scathing email. I usually assume they’re executives, pilots, engineers, astronauts, lawyers, American Girl doll aficionados and McDonald happy meal toy collectors.
But why would such wonderful people with such fascinating lives make the effort to contact me?
I have a few ideas.
1. They’re jealousy detectors
These people are phenomenal at detecting trace amounts of jealousy. While they may not be licensed mental health workers (or even employed workers in general), they feel completely comfortable analyzing my words for obvious issues. My biggest issue? I’m very jealous of everyone more successful than me. That’s what compels me to needlessly write negative commentary on their favorite celebrities – who are in all likelihood flawless.
Such as Taylor Swift. Many generous people have pointed out that I only write horrible things about her because I know I’ll never have her career. While I think my voice coach might say otherwise, I do take my emails into considering.
And when I think about it, my desk does always get covered in a light mist of envy every time I think about a celebrity who is D-list or higher.
2. They’re smarter than me
I’m very fortunate to be in touch with so many people who are much smarter than me! Their walls are covered with degrees, while mine are covered with posters of the alphabet and helpful reminders to put my socks on before my shoes.
They’re always willing to let me know that I’m of a much-lesser intelligence than them and that it’s probably impossible for my pea-sized brain to understand something as simple as why something in Hollywood happens. For example, when a reality show shows something happening, I might not be able to comprehend the basic concept that the show’s edited and therefore my entire article’s moot.
It pains them so much to see someone like struggling to understand such basic concepts – hence why they’re required to explain my stupidity to me in a personal email.
3. They’re more familiar with God than me
Frankly, it’s amazing how many of our readers know God personally. Sure, we have 16 mutual friends on Facebook, but I would never go as far as to say that I know God. Once again, I’m incredibly lucky to have so many of God’s messengers willing and able to assist me in understanding how he works.
Like,do you know he’s the only one allowed to judge Chris Brown. In my practically Atheist state, I wrongly assumed that the California court systems could also aid God in judging him — but as always, I stand corrected.
4. They’re slightly unaware of how Crushable works
It’s incredible how many emails I receive requesting (occasionally demanding) that I fire myself for being a slanderous writer capable of murdering hope with my words alone.
Here’s a fun fact for all email crusaders who ever want to get me fired, do not send an email to editor(at)crushable(dot)com. That goes to me. And because I’m into self-preservation, I will most likely not fire myself or recommend anyone else for my job.
5. They want me to get a real job
Who needs Linkedin when email vigilantes exist in this world? They’re always encouraging me to leave this position and find a job more suitable for my talents. While they refuse to name my talents, they’re pretty confident that they don’t involve writing and truth-telling.
While I appreciate their enthusiasm toward me finding a better fit for myself, I’m always slightly discouraged that they’re not offering to be more proactive when it comes to my job search. On one hand I feel all warm and fuzzy inside because they like me (they really like me!), but on the other hand looking for jobs truly womps and it’s hard to be told to find one without any guidance.
So all suggestions are welcome!
And if any of my email writers are reading this, thank you for brightening my days with your courage and your wisdom. It take a true hero to send an email to a stranger.