In case there was any question after this season of The Real Housewives Of New York, last night’s reunion show proved that we are officially down to two sane Housewives. And they are…drumroll please…Carole Radziwill and Heather Thomson. Duh. Because everyone else is completely certifiable. For a while I thought maybe LuAnn de Lesseps was gonna sneak in there, too, but then I realized that she lies and cheats and fights just like the rest of them, she just has darker hair and a lower voice, which tricks me into thinking she’s calm. My brain wants to lump the three brunettes into one unit of normalcy, but it’s not the case. Bravo also tried to trick me by putting Aviva Drescher on the ‘normal’ couch, but yeah right, bitches, I’m smarter than that. She’s just as crazy as the rest of them — maybe even more so than Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer.
For an hour-long show, we actually got through a surprisingly small amount of material. We started out bashing on Carole, because haters be hating on how amazing she is. LuAnn was mad that Carole kept talking about how she’s a one-upper in her interviews, aka behind her back, but never saying anything to her face. So she doesn’t want to pick a fight with you? So what? She said herself that she went on the show as a kind of social experiment, to watch how people behave. She doesn’t get involved with peoples’ drama, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be annoyed when some pumpkin head misuses the term ‘American Indian’ and starts war-whooping at dinner. I think she’s absolutely entitled to that.
Actually this whole first half of the reunion was kind of eye-opening as far as LuAnn was concerned. I totally forgot that she sketchily asked to borrow that dress from Carole’s designer friend early in the season. Carole had absolutely no trouble standing up for herself and her opinions, but a lot of trouble being heard because LuAnn was having a really great time answering all her questions for her. It was actually super whacky. Just more reminders that LuAnn is a headcase, in case that was unclear from the fact that she’s trying to have a baby at her age with a younger man whom she cheated on with a pirate on national television and then lied about it. That’s all pretty normal, right? Except we didn’t even talk about Tomas, yet. We’re saving that for next week.
We did talk extensively even more about fucking Aviva and the St. Barth’s thing. And I’m so over it. It’s gross. But we had to talk about it more because now that Aviva’s seen the show and watched everyone’s reactions, she’s ready to change her tune a little bit. She’s ready to re-apologize to Sonja and Ramona so that she can win back the love and adoration of America. Except that’s so clearly not gonna happen, because you already raged at them so extensively that now you just look like a flippy-flopper. She apologized again, but ain’t nobody having that, crazy lady. Not the viewers, and certainly not Sonja and Ramona. We already heard you call them ‘white trash’, and demand that a sign be put up in St. Barth’s for your safe arrival, and the sentence, “I understand everything.” Still my favorite.
Can’t wait to see next week, when hopefully we bring out the big guns and interrogate LuAnn about her super secret dalliance that not one single person knows about. Especially not Jacques or the entire country. Thank god.