Gossip Girl quipped in a voiceover during last night’s season premiere, “age breeds wisdom.” Good thing that expression has no bearing on the Gossip Girl crew when it comes to epic adventuring. Last night marked the beginning of the end for my favorite gang of Upper East Siders (plus one displaced Brooklynite), and they’re just as clueless as ever in many respects. Thank god the gang hasn’t grown up and out of their hijinks. I think I speak for all of us when I say it would be a thoroughly disappointing final season if the characters started displaying maturity this early on.
Last night’s opening sequence was, frame for frame, the best intro the show’s had in a while—we are treated to scenes of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf in a hotel room, humping like there’s no tomorrow, cut with shots of Serena Van Der Woodsen keeping it classy on a train, in the aftermath of what appears to be a coke binge that’s either gone really wrong or really right (she’s passed out and bloody nosed, so…?).
When the action picks up four months later, we learn that Chuck and Blair are together but not really, both having decided to focus on themselves first so that when they finally do make it official again, it’s for good. (Okay, so Chuck and Blair are already displaying some emotional maturity.)
The episode revolves around Serena’s
being a pussy bitch apparent disappearance. After Lily returns to the Upper East Side from a summer abroad with her resurrected husband Bart Bass, she realizes that Serena hasn’t been seen in months. Word gets out that S is gone, and her loyal friends get on the case.
Chuck, Blair and Nate reunite in NYC to look for clues that will lead to Serena’s whereabouts, and Nate shines: His first super smart and era appropriate idea is that they look for her “day planner” or “maybe an address book with some names in it,” because not only is he boring, he also thinks it’s still 1993. When it’s clear that there’s neither a day planner nor an address book to be found, Nate decides to trade a major story that could revive the Spectator for some intel on Serena; another brilliant idea that this time proves to be helpful.
Georgina and Dan, who have been working on Dan’s new book together, are also on Serena’s trail. Eventually the two search parties unite, and we find out that GG’s earlier proclamation of “Serena Van Der Woodsen is dead,” was just a rouse. I wish GG wouldn’t play with my emotions like that. For a second I thought she might have been telling the truth, and I got really excited.