In a shocking display of rebellion, Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Leon has applied to a top-40 ranked college at the age of sixteen! Rumor has it that Madge’s spawn is so sick of being in the spotlight and dealing with the Cone Bra Queen that she’s hoping to leave home early to begin her education at Bard College, which she will pay for with the proceeds from her Material Girl clothing line.
perfect child rebel! What will the church elders say?!
Oh, what a screwed up life you must lead for going to college early and intending to pay for it yourself to be viewed as a rebellion. If sixteen-year-old me told my parents I had applied to a college that I was going to pay for myself, my parents would still be talking about it at the neighborhood potlucks. “She did it all by herself. We didn’t know what was going on in her room so late into the night. We feared drugs, but turns out she was just polishing off her personal statement!”
But, as I’ve realized time and time again, my life is not the life that Lourdes leads. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have Madonna as a mother, asking you to go on tour with her to work in the wardrobe department and challenging you to arm wrestling contests and then yelling at you for smoking a cigarette. What an exercise in double standards.
Par exemple, lest we forget Madge’s 2009 video for “Celebration“ in which Lourdes makes a cameo. Madonna touches her privates so much in this video it’s like she’s just checking to make sure they’re still there. And then after four minutes of pelvic thrusts and pawing at Jesus Luz’s bare chest, she’s all, “Hey daughter, get in this with me!”
I mean, if home girl needs a ciggy to deal with Madonna as her mother, let her have one!
Adding up what we know about Madonna, I get that for Lourdes, going to a great college is the ultimate rebellion. Here are a few things I bet she also has up her sleeve to really piss off the original Material Girl:
- Wearing only natural shaped bras.
- Dating men within a five-year age radius of herself.
- Wearing skirts that go past her hip flexors.
- Saying “Like a Virgin” and meaning it.
Good luck Lourdes. After a few all-nighters in the library and make-out sessions behind a frat boy’s hastily hung tapestries, you’ll feel like a normal college kid. Sort of.