In case you thought you were having a tough week, I’m here to reassure you that the Hogan family is having a worse one. You know the Hogans — their patriarch is that blond walrus Hulk Hogan who got famous from that reality TV show. And also used to wrestle a little. Well his ex-wife Linda was recently arrested for DUI, which is pretty fun if you like unfun things. She was pulled over for speeding at 1:30am and blew a .084, which is just slightly over the legal limit. The good news is, she looks super classy in her mugshot. The better news is that earlier that exact same day, her ex-husband’s sex-tape was released! HOLLLAAAA!
I so desperately hope those two events are connected. That Linda was sitting home reading the Wall Street Journal and enjoying a glass of warm milk when her agent dropped the bomb. At which point she said to herself, “Well if Hulk has a sex tape out with some other lady, I’m gonna throw on some silver eyeshadow and a nice sparkly dress, throw some Zimas in the car, and drive on down to the riverbank and get shwastey.” At least that’s the world I’ve created in my imagination.
But regardless, there is a sex tape out in the world, and I intend to see it. I can’t link to it in this, because it’s not worth my job to get sued by Hulk Hogan’s lawyers for watching steroid-shrunken nutballs dangle around some 20-year old’s face. What I can link you to, however, is a TMZ reenactment of the fateful video. They can’t show it either, because we’re all just trying to make a living here, but they give you a good sneak peek of what goes down. Or else I’m sure you can do some minor sleuthing and find it on the internet. Come on. It’s 2012.
Okay I just watched it because it’s on Gawker, and you have to see it! It’s super awkward and weird! The sex isn’t even the worst part, it’s the talking! He pauses a blowie to check his phone and there’s some random guy there and he just ate so he feels like a pig and also he’s not divorced from his wife! It’s madness! And who is that lady? Is she a hooker? She seems like a hooker. Oh god I have so many questions. It shames me to say this, but I think I need to see the rest.