Listen, I’m as obsessed with reality TV as the next guy. Probably more obsessed, if we’re being totally honest. And Jersey Shore has always been one of my favorite shows. But all that said, I think I’m finally outgrowing it, and here’s why: Mike Sorrentino is my new favorite character. Like most people, I originally watched the show to see how much of a mess these kids could make. And to be fair, it’s a pretty big mess. Sammi and her extremely on-again-off-again boyfriend Ronnie were always fighting and making up, Deena was day-drinking and falling off of shit with Snooki, JWoww was throwing punches, Vinny and Pauly D were bringing home grenades and taking them off to the Smush Room, and Mike was starting weird, coked-up drama and grinding on some of the nastiest zoo animals I’ve ever seen by the light of Jersey.
Lights up on today. Sammi and Ron are back together, albeit still fighting. Deena has a new boyfriend, a new set of chompers, and a new body, which albeit still falls off of things. Snooki is mothafuckin’ pregnant and engaged to her babydaddy Gionni, aka she can’t drink, smoke, tan, or get arrested. I mean, she could get arrested, I guess, but for what. She even has smart glasses now so we know to take her seriously. JWoww is all snuggled up with Roger and living with him, talking marriage and kids. Pauly D has chubbed up significantly, but he’s still the Grand Marshall of the DTF Parade, so that’s a relief. Vinny, on the other hand, is talking about staying celibate all summer, which is gonna make for some pretty strange television, especially for MTV. Oh and The Situation? My new favorite character? He’s fresh out of rehab for prescription pills and alcohol, cooking dinner for the whole cast and getting wifed up by Paula. Oh and he’s self-aware now. And nice. And I’m strangely into it.
Sometime over the last six seasons, it stopped being fun for me to watch these people damage themselves. I guess that’s how I can tell I’m getting old and crotchety. (That and the fact that I no longer watch this show while doing kegstands.) It’s become more of a social commentary, as asshole-y as that is for me to say. I’m kind of done watching them drink and make mistakes. It’s not fun to watch Deena cry at her boyfriend for two hours because she misses him while he’s still there. It’s not fun to watch
I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily fun, but it is interesting to watch Snooki take steps to move out of the house and take care of herself, and Vinny share insight, and Mike exhibit self-control. I like watching them discover that there’s more to life than blacking out at a club and telling your girlfriend to ‘get the fuck away from you’, like Ronnie did to Sammi last night. Bottom line, I think that my relationship with Jersey Shore had gotten a little co-dependent. I encouraged them to keep getting shit-wasted, and they encouraged me to keep watching their show hungover in my underpanties. And look at me now. I went for a run this morning, and I’m writing this recap for my job. Oh we fancy, huh?
We all in this together now, guys. Let’s make it a hell of a last summer. But yes, I’m still in my underpants. Some things never change.