It’s debate season, everybody! Who’s excited? It’s that beautiful time when we can finally parse through all the rhetoric and get down to specific, nuanced policy ideas that will shape our country for the next four years. Like the minutiae in the details of the economic policy that Mitt Romney isn’t giving us details about. It would take years to finger through all of that nonexistent, wonky policy.
And with four weeks left in the election, the debates are indescribably meaningful. For the first time we get to see the candidates shout the things they’ve been saying for the entire histories of their campaign at each other from only six feet away. This really clears up all the unanswered questions. The closer they are to one another, the better I understand their policies. For example, if they got really close to each other, looked deeply into each other’s eyes and kissed on the lips, it might help me clarify President Obama’s opinion on gay marriage.
But in the equally important world of celebrate, there aren’t debates. Scores are settled through the tabloids or on daytime and late-night talk shows where actors and actresses, singers and songwriters intensify feuds by talking about people who aren’t even there to defend themselves. Well, to me, that’s cowardly. Unlike politics, where disagreements are settled using scripted arguments six feet away from one another at a debate, celebrity kafuffles are settled using scripted arguments hundreds of miles away from on another on Letterman. Well, no more.
If celebrities have disagreements, let’s get out the cherry wood podiums, and the varnished cedar gavels, and debate the facts? Let’s say, for example, Taylor Lautner claims Justin Bieber’s haircut makes him look like the lead singer of an 80s girl band. Well, let’s debate it. What are the facts? Where’s the proof? Why do we let TMZ do the dirty work when we can have the actual people talk about it in a debate that we can televise? With that in mind, here are the three debates I’d most like to see.
Amanda Bynes Vs. The person in Her Brain Only She Can See and Hear – After stringing together point after point of logical arguments, the person in her brain only she can see and hear will win by convincing Amanda Bynes that the towel rack in the bathroom was, indeed, pretty racist.
Winner: The person in her brain only she can see and hear
Honey Boo Boo Vs. A Child Protective Service Agent – This wouldn’t be so much of a debate as it would be a rescue mission. The producers of Honey Boo Boo’s show would rope her out of her house by placing a camera in her drive way (she has no ability to refuse the temptation of the lens). The a CPS agent would jump out of his van: “Hey, Honey, why don’t you get into the van and we’ll get you some vegetables and schooling. Ya know, like broccoli and words and math?”
“How ‘bout you shut up and I tap dance with my gay pig!? I’m goin’ inside.”
Winner: Honey Boo Boo
One Direction Vs. Their Fans – There have been plenty of debates filled with yelling, but none like this potential match-up. Half-way through the debate, while arguing a point about the artistic merit of their music, the British boy band would be rushed by their adoring fans who’ve been standing but a podium’s distance away for too long. Unable to contain the realization that their ultimate fantasy is coming true, the fans kiss and dry hump the band to death.
Winner: Their Fans
These debates would be a boon for everyone involved. The networks would be a killing from ratings and advertising. Viewers would have the opportunity to watch Amanda Bynes talk to herself for 90 minutes. “Mom, get the popcorn, Amanda Bynes just called herself Tavares.” That would provide our current debate season with a much-needed boost. It would be a lot of fun. And it wouldn’t show me what the next four years of our lives might be like.