Just in time for the holiday season, the official licensed Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line is hitting erotic boutiques, and as promised, there are at least six different shades of grey in this collection. Not to mention a font/packaging that suspiciously brings to mind Twilight. We know that this collection was approved by E.L. James because the average piece goes for ₤25. Kidding! It’s also because the author provided this cringe-inducing quote to UK retailer Lovehoney, with whom she designed the pieces: “This range is what I always imagined while writing Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m so excited that the toys I described in the books have come to life and can now be enjoyed around the world.”
You have twenty products to choose from, packaged in a variety of kits or a la carte. And since they come out in November, no doubt they’ll find their way into a lot of stockings. But why go the boring route and pick up your copy of Fifty Shades to match toys to the passages you’ve marked with Post-It Notes? We can think of a lot more fun uses for these toys that don’t involve a twitchy billionaire and an idiot virgin.
For instance, the Inner Goddess – Silver Pleasure Balls would make perfect Christmas decorations! Instead of boughs of holly, deck the halls with these gently chiming balls. Or if you’re lacking in ornaments for your tree, hang them up alongside the reindeer made out of popsicle sticks and that photo of you and Santa from when you were six. Just make sure you hang them on a sturdy branch!
If I had a cat, you know that I would let it go after the Please, Sir. – Flogger to its little heart’s content.
Twitchy Palm – Spanking Paddle? More like Shiny Cockroach Killer while you’re trying to cook Christmas dinner for you and your friends.
I don’t know about you, but the Feather Tickler looks perfect for those hard-to-reach spots when dusting.
Naturally, the All Mine – Deluxe Satin Blackout Mask is for actually getting some sleep on the flight home or abroad to see relatives for Christmas. You could probably also use the You. Are. Mine. – Metal Handcuffs to make sure the person next to you stays in his seat and doesn’t climb over you twenty times to use the bathroom. Because you’re gonna need your beauty sleep this holiday.
[via The Daily Mail]