The finale of the fifth season of The Real Housewives of New York City was last night, so I was expecting some kind of lovey-dovey wrap-up to this season of fights and drama. But nay nay nay, I got myself a genuwine cliffhanger, with the same old tired fights breaking out in new and exciting ways. They better bring back this exact same Housewives cast so I can see how stuff wraps up, because this season ended with almost everybody peeved at somebody. We had Aviva Drescher mad at Ramona Singer for kicking her father, George, out of her party. We have Ramona and Sonja Morgan screaming at Heather Thomson at her fundraiser about Sonja’s goddamn toaster oven shoot. Again. The only person not in a fight with anyone is the magnificent Carole Radziwill, who is busy hosting ping-pong tournaments and getting along with all the crazies. Oh and also there’s Countess LuAnn de Lesseps who spent the last few episodes going back to being extraordinarily boring, staying under the radar for her St. Barth’s fling. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for her to illicitly bang another celebrity doppelganger now. Maybe Orlando Bloom, this time? Just to keep it in the pirate family?
But just in case the producers don’t keep the same cast next season, and give me the closure that I want and so desperately deserve, I thought I’d put together that old yearbook tradition of Most Likelies, in case we all go off to college and never see each other again.
SONJA TREMONT MORGAN
Most Likely To Require An Intervention
I’m no doctor, but I have eyes and ears, and this Housewife is in a bad place. She’s in debt, waiting on a settlement from her ex-husband she’s still in love with, best friends with Ramona Singer, who frequently gets her slurring and stumbling drunk in public, and she’s probably gonna lose her house. Which is inconvenient, as it is chock-full of aging dogs, old artwork, animal feces, and slaves. She calls them unpaid interns, I call them slaves. She’s miles away from the sweet, sunny girl who joined the show in season three, and I’m frankly terrified to see where she goes next.
Most Likely To Still Be On The Show In 2025
Ramona Singer is the definition of quality television because there’s nothing about her that isn’t fascinating. She’s unpredictable, she’s rude, she’s crazy, she drinks like a fish, but she also has a husband and a daughter and a functioning life. Her life is a train wreck that somehow never completely wrecks, and I can’t stop watching. The Bravo producers would have to be on literal drugs to ever let this woman get off the show while she’s still living and breathing and screaming.
Most Likely To Be The Love Of My Life
She may not be on perfect terms with everyone like Carole, but I love a girl like Heather who has an awesome personality but can still get down and dirty with women like Ramona who try to get in her face. I don’t think anyone’s ever been so successful in fighting with Ramona, and Heather’s secret is that she doesn’t care what Ramona thinks of her. She knows what she wants to say, and how she doesn’t want to be treated, and she lets Ramona know that. And you can tell it works because the two of them actually got along in St. Barth’s, and Ramona even apologized after she was rude at Heather’s fashion show. I’m officially in love.
LUANN DE LESSEPS
Most Likely Not To Be Invited Back
Sure, she contributed some drama with her St. Barth’s dalliance with Tomas, but Sonja did the same thing and came clean, so it’s hardly enough to distinguish LuAnn from the herds. She also briefly flirted with the idea of having a baby with Jacques, but I don’t see that happening, either. She used to play a very crucial role,which was ‘The Sane One’, but now that my girls Heather and Carole have hit the scene, I have no need for Le Countess anymore. Anyone who is gonna lie on national television when the cameras clearly disprove your story is not a Housewife I need to spend any more time with.
Most Likely To Win A Nobel Prize
Bottom line, Carole is cooler than you. She just is. She’s dealt with an incredible amount of tragedy and is has come through it to become successful in her own right. She has two books, a possible TV show in the works, and deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for being the only Housewife to be on good terms with everyone. Plus she has an amazing apartment, a ridiculously hot ass, and an adorable boyfriend. This girl’s got her life figured out and she was the peace maker on this season. Color me extremely jealous.
Most Likely To Get Bitch-Slapped
This whole season, Aviva has really been cruisin’ for a bruisin’, and with such a volatile cast, I’m actually a little surprised she never got one. She won’t let go of little slights, loves to gossip, has a host of fears and phobias, and has absolutely no problem getting loud at a cocktail party, charity event, fundraiser, or tropical island. Plus she ditched her coat for Heather’s fashion show, to get a grand total of four out of five Housewives pissed at her. That’s an impressive average.