While I’ve spent way too much time speculating on this alleged publicity stunt and predicting the various ways Kristen Stewart and Robert PattinsonÂ could continue to get headlines on a daily basis, I did not guess sex pacts would get involved.
Which surprises me because I love pacts almost as much as I love seances. To quote Julie Andrews, “these are a few of my favorite things.” While I don’t want to say I can never forgive myself for missing this crucial element in my conspiracy theory, I don’t want to lie to myself. Sex pacts are just so obvious.
So now that everyone’s doing celebratory dances about Rob and Kristen being back together, the publicists behind this alleged scandal need to up the ante. They need to remind us what’s at stake here.
And that’s a healthy sex life for our two favorite lovebirds.
Just because they’re backÂ together, doesn’t mean they’re sleeping together. Assuming that would be almost as bad as assuming that they’reÂ completelyÂ unaware of the timing of their reconciliation and the timing of their Breaking DawnÂ press tour.
Luckily for us, our friends at The MirrorÂ have a source at the office where Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s alleged therapist works. You know my favorite thing about our friends at The Mirror? They’reÂ phenomenalÂ storyÂ exaggerators.
These are people who can take one fact, like “Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are human beings” and turn into a beautiful saga of sex pacts. For example, look at this poetry:
Troubled Hollywood coupleÂ Robert Pattinson and Kristen StewartÂ have signed up to a bizarre “no-sex pact” as they battle to save their rocky relationship.
The vampire stars split in July after Kristen, 22, was caught in a clinch with married directorÂ Rupert SandersÂ . But the fiery twosome are back on – just in time for the next Twilight movie premiere – and have enlisted the help of a top Hollywood shrink to help them rekindle their romance.
The first thing the psychiatrist did was immediately slap them with the nookie ban, according to my source. The super-hot couple have been ordered to sleep in separate beds for at least a month while they “work on communicating, healing wounds and trust exercises.”
This makes complete sense to me. No questions asked. No concerns about this “source” leaking highly confidential information. No queries about the fact that Kristen and Rob are even seeing a relationship counselor.
Nope, this all looks totally normal and good to me. I just hope that when they finally get it on again, some source leaks the details of their romantic encounter.
Oh, and I also hope that it aligns correctly with Breaking DawnÂ DVD sales.