I’ve been a big fan of 50 Cent since I was 16. At that time, I was coming into my own sexually, by which I mean I was old enough for my Oedipal complex to be getting weird. Meanwhile, Fitty was in the club showing women his magic stick and livin’ la vida loca. Not the same guy? Whatever.
Either way, I, along with many of my friends, admired this man’s machismo. He was a man’s man. He’d been shot nine times. He loved women the way fat kids loved cake. He was a role model for all of us who were eager to get involved in dangerous gang activity and illegitimate pregnancies. You know, all of us.
But, oh, how the times have changed. I was dismayed to read a series of tweets Fitty sent yesterday in which he denigrated America’s greatest pastime: baseball. I mean, masturbation. I was getting my balls confused. Sorry.
Fifty tweeted a simple four-step program to help those who are addicted to personal pleasuring. Think Alcoholic’s Anonymous only with less steps and more shame.
Fifty wrote, “Step 1. To avoid the urge to masturbate stop going to porn sties.” This would be great advice if the rest of the universe didn’t exist. Shouldn’t you be telling people to lock the doors and windows and stock up on water, Fifty? Isn’t that really the only way to avoid the urge? By the time most people hit the sidewalk, they have 50 reasons to masturbate and none of them have to do with a porn site.
Then, he wrote, “Step 2. Make a conscious decision not to turn your head after people walk by you.” Does this mean that any time Fifty Cent walks by a person he has the urge to look back at that person, run into the nearest bathroom and masturbate? At the site of a “person,” Fifty? So, anybody? You walk by a Hassidic Jew on the streets of New York and you immediately need to masturbate? I don’t think most of us have this problem.
Next, he advised, “Step 3. Do not go to strip clubs.” In this case we’re splitting hairs. Going to strip clubs doesn’t make you want to pleasure yourself, it makes you want others to pleasure you. I’m pretty sure that’s called sex. But I never paid attention in health class, so I could be wrong.
Finally, Fifty wrote, “Step 4. Do not look at lust filled magazines.” Well, this is a redundant step. You already told us not to look at porn sites. “Lust filled magazines” are just old school porn sites. You know, the kind of stuff that our grandparents are looking at because they can’t be bothered to learn the Internet. Get with the times Granny!
I think these tweets are despicable. Not only are these not the appropriate steps to take when attempting to quit masturbating (the appropriate steps are castration, lobotomy, amputation, and security guard), but also he’s teaching our nation’s children a terrible lesson. What? Our children shouldn’t love themselves? They aren’t good enough for their own copious, selfish, lonely love. Isn’t the very act Fifty Cent rails against, the highest form of self-love? Is Fifty Cent trying to put an embargo on how much we can love ourselves? I sure hope not. These are difficult times for our children. Bullying is ubiquitous. Should we be telling our kids that they shouldn’t rely on themselves for comfort anymore? That their own genitalia are the enemy. I sure hope I never see that day.
That’s why I’m so disappointed with Fifty Cent. When I was younger, his lessons were meaningful. Infused with confidence, and a modest braggadocio. Now, his lessons fall flat. Or should I say flaccid. Yes. His lessons fall flaccid in my eyes.
(Photo: Smart Pictures, PacificCoastNews.com)