Well, well, well. Last night the ladies of Dance Moms were much more entertaining than they had been on their previous reunion special. Well done, bitches. Although I must say, most of the excitement came in the form of childish insults a la the script of Mean Girls. But that’s why I love this shit, so I’m not complaining. There’s something really satisfying about watching grown ass women behave in a way that I can only fantasize about/enact virtually.
This time, team alternates Jill and Cathy joined Abby Lee Miller and her gang (Christi, Kelly, Holly, and Melissa) on stage for the entirety of the show. Their presence definitely upped the insult ante. Cathy alone would have bee able to carry this episode, I think. She might be totally fake, but she’s hilarious. Remember this great moment from the past season of Dance Moms:
No she was not talking to one of the little girls about a Happy Meal.
Anyway, during the reunion Cathy was full of similar insults. At one point she called all of the other dance moms inept. Nice, Cathy. The host, though, jabbed her back when he reminded Cathy and anyone watching the show that her dancers the Candy Apples (anyone else think that’s a dumb name?) only beat Abby’s group once, and only by one tenth of a point.
“How’s that feel?” the host inquires. Like shit, I would assume.
He follows up with, “could it be that [Abby’s] just better than you?” Ha. Good one, Jeff. And I thought it was only the moms who’d be slinging insults.
Moving on, another great moment is when we find out the real reason behind Abby and Kelly’s long time feud: Now this might be my own interpretation, but it seems like Kelly fucked Abby’s “boyfriend” (of course we all know that when I say “boyfriend” referring to Abby Lee Miller, I mean “some dude she liked that wouldn’t touch her with a ten-foot-pole”) years ago . . .
Abby should take her own advice, no?
Oh well. The absolute best part of the entire episode, though, is when Black Patsy joins the moms on stage! Black Patsy AKA single episode veteran Caya. Remember her? She brings her daughter Nicaya to the studio right before the team goes to Nationals, gets into it with all the mothers, then never returns. Until now.
Why does she call herself Black Patsy? Oh wait, I don’t care! I do care about her telling it like it is, though.
So apparently Caya’s a lesbian, and that was an issue for the other moms? But not for Christi, because she “has lots of gay friends.” (Isn’t that always the case?)
Host Jeff follows the awkward “I have lots of gay friends” comment with a question to Christi, “Have you ever had another woman tell you she was gonna eff you up?” He’s of course referring to the moment during Caya’s episode when she tells Christi, well, that she’ll eff her up.
“Uh, no…” begins Christi, and of course I totally believe her. Then Melissa jumps in, and guess what guys? She hasn’t ever had another woman tell her she’s gone eff her up, either. Well ok, thanks for sharing Melissa, I’m glad that’s settled.
Then Jill finds it necessary to respond to all the talk of violence by saying, “We don’t do that. We don’t cross the line.”
And Caya’s response is just fantastic— “. . . you’ve been crossing the line ever since this show started, all of you have. So don’t say what you don’t do, because you’re a bunch of bitter, toxic ass women.”
I don’t think I could have said it better myself.
And oh yeah! For all your viewing pleasure: