• Mon, Sep 24 2012

Breaking Amish Reminds Us That Satan Is All Over New York City

Just when I started feeling safe living in New York City, Breaking Amish reminds me that Satan lives here. No matter where you live in the city and where you go, Satan will always be with you. Sometimes he poses as the hot dog vendor with hot dogs that smell too  good to be true and other times he poses as the TLC camera crew. And sometimes, when he’s feeling especially vindictive, he’s just the pigeon that craps on you while you’re walking to work. Oh Satan! You do have the sickest sense of humor! (So, apply to work here whenever you’re ready!)

In this wonderfully unscripted episode of what I’m starting to think is an Amish mockumentary, Rebecca and Abe’s respective family members come to visit them in the city. But this isn’t a social visit. Nor is it the kind of visit where your country relatives come to the city and insist you do all the horrible touristy things like going to the Empire State Building and standing in line at the 5th Avenue Abercrombie & Fitch store. No, this is a trip of hope and faith.

Rebecca’s grandfather wants her to come home to Amish country. While the talk doesn’t seem to have any effect on Rebecca (girl has sex-ay lingerie to buy), she does score reality points by asking the camera crew not to film her grandfather. You know, because he’s “Amish” and not an actor.

Abe on the other hand scores no reality points this week. His mom-actor comes up to his hotel room and tells him she’s going to stay there with him until he decides to come home. Mostly because Satan lives in NYC and once he grabs ahold of Abe, he’s screwed. His ticket to Heaven gets revoked and he has to stand in Times Square pushing comedy shows on tourists for eternity. Despite the fact that his mother believes the English world’s filled with evil, she clearly signed a release to be filmed by a reality show. It’s suspect, to say the least.

Despite her threat to stay with Abe forever and ever, his mother’s only contractually obligated to appear on one episode — so she decides to leave and head home to Amish Country. That’s a quirky name for a casting agency that specializes in religious family members.

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