Paris Hilton has been all over the new lately, and not just in the good way where she’s annoying and makes me want her to go away. No, in the bad way where she’s twice as annoying and really makes me want her to go away. Because Paris Hilton on her best day is still on my list of least favorite people in the world. However, in all the new controversy over the extra dumb Grindr comments, we’ve neglected to remark on the fact that Ms. Hilton, 31, is dating a young man ten years her junior, the Spanish model River Viiperi, 21. After meeting at New York Fashion Week, the two have been dating for 11 blissful days, and they’re already vacationing together in Hawaii and holding hands while walking through the surf, because that is totally normal. So just for shits and giggles, before these two break up or announce their engagement, let’s take a brief walk down memory lane and discover how old young River was for each of Paris’ many career foibles. Spoiler alert: I have only chosen ten. Even my distaste for this heiress knows some bounds.
2000. He was 9 when she made her sex tape with then-boyfriend Rick Salomon.
2003. He was 12 when she broke her first engagement, to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis
2003. He was 12 when her sex-tape was released, under the title One Night In Paris.
2004. He was 13 when her first OF ELEVEN fragrances was introduced, called Paris Hilton. It would be followed by a variety of others, including Heiress/Heir, with the tagline, “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the heiress of them all.” Oh yeah.
2005. He was 14 when she broke her second engagement, to another Greek shipping heir, Stavros Niarchos III.
2007. He was 16 when Paris went to jail that one time for driving with a suspended license and really hated it.
2008. He was 17 when she referred to the ass of her then bestie Kim Kardashian as ‘cottage cheese in a trash bag’. So cute.
2009. He was 18 when she was nominated for a Razzie for Worst Supporting Actress for her role in Repo! The Genetic Opera. Probably still a more embarrassing film than her sex tape.
2011. He was 20 when she was named most unpopular celebrity with Americans in an Ipsos poll.
2012. He was 21 when Paris enlightened us that Grindr is gross because the gay guys on it are ‘disgusting’ and ‘probably have AIDS’. Probably.
Well it’s clear to me that Paris has had a long and full life, which has provided her with plenty of bedtime stories to tell her boyfriend as he drifts off into a deep, 21-year old sleep.