I don’t feel sorry for you, Demi Moore, that Ashton Kutcher is now in a normal, age-appropriate relationship with Mila Kunis.
Ashton and Mila (AshMil?) got straight up civilian this week by walking around NYC in weekend wear and making out on a rock in Central Park.
Now, Demi, I can imagine how this makes you feel. I bet you feel like a twelve-year-old child who has just had her favorite stuffed animal (a duck, maybe?) from childhood given away to her two-year-old baby cousin on Thanksgiving under the guise of “getting it back when they leave” but then the kid tries to leave with the stuffed ducky. And then what are you supposed to do, be a brat and say “No, that’s my stuffed ducky! Give it back!”?
Because if you do that, then you have to have the very awkward conversation with your dad in the other room of, “Aren’t you a little old to be playing with a stuffed ducky?” And then you have to sheepishly agree, with a foot shuffle, “Maybe…”
And then instead of this two year old slinking away with your toy, you have to make a grand gesture of giving it away to her in the foyer before they leave, as if it was your idea to begin with, which it definitely wasn’t.
And then you’ll spend the rest of the night sulking in your room drawing with your charcoals and too stubborn to come down for 9 p.m. turkey sandwiches, all because you couldn’t let go of your old toy duck. A toy duck that you had outgrown a while ago.
The point is, Demi, you had your time in the sun with a very hot, very young man. You played house with him. You made him pretend to be a father to people his own age. He looked the other way as you applied your kneecap makeup or whatever it is you do to make your knees not wrinkly. And that can never be taken away from you. But it’s over now.
Ashton has found a bright young thing five years his junior. Now he gets to be the big boy making the decisions and ordering for himself at the restaurant. He probably cuts his own meat!
I can only hope that there’s a part of you that is like that couple in the 70’s who raised a lion at home and then goes to visit him in the wild many years later and is so happy that they didn’t fuck him up too bad that he can still exist in his natural habitat.
I hope that’s you, watching from your anti-aging oxygen chamber and smiling on the inside, as Ashton and Mila clamber about in the wild, rolling and tumbling and rough housing. I hope you’re watching fondly and thinking, “He didn’t turn out so bad after all” before you peel off your baby seal face mask and reattach your own face skin and turn off the light for a nice night’s rest in a bed of cell-stimulating algae.