‘Kristen Stewart Pregnant With Robert Pattinson Clone’ And 9 Other Rumors You’ll Hear Before The Breaking Dawn Premiere

Well it’s that magical time of the day when we can discuss the latest rumors plaguing Hollywood’s most troubled on-again-off-again couple. Despite proclamations from almost everyone in the world that it’s time to move on from these two, the media seems determined to keep them in the news.

And as part of the horrible no-good obsessive media, I’m no different. I could write about Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross every single day for months! Oh what’s that? I have written about them every day for months!? You don’t say? I hadn’t realized that my fingers bled Kristen Stewart’s name from typing it so much. Wowza!

Where does my trophy get sent?I already know where I’ll display it! It will look great on my bed next to my life-size Honey Boo Boo Doll and the One Direction half-eaten toast I bought on eBay.

It’s just that I can’t get enough of these crazy kids. One second they’re dating and the next second they’re entangled in an alleged publicity stunt that helped boost their careers and ensure they’d get coverage for approximately a zillion days in a row. The geniuses who came up with this incredibly successful stunt better have a sore back. You know, from patting himself (herself?) on it all day.

Unless of course this isn’t a stunt and just an incredibly lucky accumulation of coincidences. In that case, Kristen, Rob, Rup and Libster must have the best karma in the entire world. Good on them!

Anyway, as you probably read today People magazine confirms that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are in the romantic process of reconciliation as we speak. Despite the fact that The Sun reported this over the weekend, no one really believed them. But now that Peoples all over it, everyone’s like “ZOMG, true love exists!” So now I’m all like, I suppose I should write about this even though we already covered it.

And then I’m like why write about this rehashed rumor when we can make up even MORE rumors! So here goes my brain on crack, or as the kids are saying these days, here comes the boom.

Prepare to see between 0 -9 of these rumors over the next few weeks.

1. Kristen Stewart decides not to reconcile with Robert Pattinson after he admits to fooling around with Liberty Ross on the exact same stretch of road where Kristen got caught cheating.

2. Robert Pattinson gets married to Texas woman named Roberta Pattinson, tells press that he found the name coincidence so charming that he couldn’t help but say yes when she proposed via Youtube video

3. Liberty Ross gets pregnant with real life vampire child, hires Kristen Stewart to be her nanny until she figures out what to do with her life.

4. Kristen Stewart agrees to do local theater production of The OC: Season 1. She’ll play the role of  Marissa Cooper and Peter Gallagher will reprise his role as Sandy. Everyone else will be played by puppets.

5. Robert Pattinson looks soulfully at internet video of an otter playing with a shark and weeps for hours.

6. Jenni Maier murdered by passionate Robsten fans. Luckily she wrote her own obituary ahead of time. Unluckily no one understood her sarcastic tone, causing people to write something along the lines of  ”you’re the worst human being alive” all over her gravestone.

7. Cee-Lo proposes to Kristen Stewart during an episode of The Voice. But before she can say yes, Britney Spears storms onto the set and is all like “Christina Aguilera, are we publicly feuding again or what?”

8. Law & Order: SVU films a “ripped from the headlines” upset about what happens when you upset Twilight fans. The dastardly vet from Beethoven stars as the defense attorney.

9. Kristen Stewart awkwardly hugs everyone in line during a trip to the grocery store in an effort to prove that’s just how she hugs people.

Have more rumors to add to this? Fax them over! Don’t have a fax! Go back to 1997 and buy one? Too poor for time travel? Ugh, you’re the worst. Just tell me in the comments.

(Photo:  Ian Wilson/WENN.com)

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    • lila

      ok…..

      • Jenni

        Yeah, I know, right?

    • Guest

      I did think up some good new rumors last night, and then I thought “no, Jenni has this” and here you are.

      You need to let me go. Just stop now. I have work……

      • Jenni

        I’m getting too predictable. I should cut my hair like Miley. Keep things new and fresh.

      • Guest

        Oh no no no! You have much gigglier rumors!

    • Pingback: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson make up: Why it matters 101 – Christian Science Monitor | Page3gossips()

    • star

      Mine aren’t as awesomely outlandish as yours, but I pretty much bet we’ll be getting engagement rumours, pregnancy speculation, and then the obligatory secretly married rumour all before the BD2 premiere. Thing is, with the fantastical, made for tv way this story has been playing out, I wouldn’t be surprised at least one of those things turned out to be true.

      I personally vote for the baby. The amount of people in that crazy Twilight fandom that will completely flip their shit in either horror or glee will be extremely amusing to watch!

      • Jenni

        I vote for the baby too! Provided that Jim Bob Duggar is the father. Because, why not?

      • nena

        ick ick ick, not many J names left.

      • Jenni

        Um how about JulyiswhentheworldendedbecauseIcheated…too long?

      • nena

        that is good but you know they will have to vote as a family!

      • lillicat

        Jenni, you are too funny. I spat water all over my keyboard!! I still like Bear with pictures to sell to the highest bidder, if anyone can understand him. :D

      • Irish Girl

        Oh, come now. I thought for sure you’d go for either the obvious, like “Jezebel”, or the obscure, such as “Janus”.

        *settles back with a grin* I’m going to get so many angry letters from Wikipedia…

      • nena

        I was going to say Jezebel!!!! What a riot.

      • Irish Girl

        Great name. Pretty darn good movie, too.

      • nena

        yeah it was, funny tho no one names their kids that but they do Scarlett.

      • lizzy

        But Sandra Bullock has been there, done that. Unless it’s….twins!
        Maybe this whole thing was like Throw Momma from the Train, but Liberty and Robert didn’t come through with their pictures in time, and Rupert and Kristen were like hey, you guys, nice way to blow a plan…

      • lillicat

        Jenni: I vote NO on #6. Wouldn’t want your poster to get any ideas.

    • Sampey

      I want someone to make a movie of No.6! with great details to the planning and the deets done! :) .. That would be an awesome horror movie.

      • Chance

        @Sampey:They could call the movie Warm Bodies II and Jenni could be the zombie ex girlfriend of R out to take revenge on the human who stole him from her. You could go all gory and eat parts of her. Jenni do you look like Kristen Stewart or Teresa Palmer? If not I am sure Summit can make a new poster.

      • Sampey

        NO…NO..NO… ;-) … it should be call ‘ARE THEY OR AREN’T THEY?’ .. that’s an epic title and fitting too :-).
        It should have a poster of ‘said’ fan (if Jenni got time to spare maybe she can be the ‘said’ poster fan. What say you Jenni? ;-) ), holding one each (KS&RP) by their throats in a shaking motion with half their guts pouring out.
        And I vote the cause said fan turned zombie because she didn’t get any sleep since 25th July! and all the caffeine fueled that had replaced her blood. :-)

      • Chance

        @Sampey: Much better title but she could be standing on body parts pulled off of Rupig and Liberty.

    • Irish Girl

      With regard to the whole “it’s-confirmed-they’re-reconciling-bit”…*ahem*…I would just like to say that it was yours truly that reported it here first. Okay, not so much REPORTED it, as…muttered quietly while playing mahjongg and watching Green Mile on TV…but STILL.

    • Chance

      Very funny Jenni! Laughed so much I was crying. Just thought of one but it is not as good as yours.
      Robert Pattinson has an affair with Liberty Ross and gives her his Blackbook vintage T-shirt to prove his undying love for her. Rupert finds out and rips the arms off the shirt while trying to throw Liberty over the three foot guard rail on Pacific View Drive. Robert vows to never give a lover a vintage T-shirt as a token of his appreciation again.
      I really love reading your articles. You can take the worst news and make it funny. You make my day!

    • http://twitter.com/Astrogea Ana Bastow

      Liberty and Kristen will pose together with an “all is forgiven” exclusive interview. That will sent the entire Internet on fire, so it must happen. I will get my voodoo dolls that level of DRAMA! can’t be spared :D

      • PR Hell

        YOU ARE A GENIUS!!!! Why haven’t the brains behind all this shit thought about it before???

    • lizzy

      Jenni, IrishGirl – Since you’re both around here today and in the biz, I wonder what your thoughts are on the Leopold Ross interview that “never happened”?

      It’s an old piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit well…plus, is it odd that the story still sits out there on thepeople.uk site, and the person with the byline (Katie Hind, who has been employed there quite awhile) is still their showbiz editor? So was it indeed fabricated? Or is it plausible someone did not clue the brother in about not speaking to the press? Along with the “…She is a very pretty girl and when you work that closely with someone for so long, sometimes things happen” quote from Rupert’s father, Michael, it was probably the only article ever written with a named source, wasn’t it? I find it interesting that the father, who is probably way out of the loop of their day-to-day life, and the brother, likely just out there doing his thing, were the only named sources, and both in the 1st week of PR scrambling.

      So did the brother A) Think he was allowed to embellish on a story that was always a lie. OR
      B) Speak the truth.

      If B): Were hush deals made, and a g-rated/pg-rated scandal and bluster of PR ping-pong headlines created to prevent something bigger and more damning that would sink the BD2 revenue?
      Also, Interesting brief article on Forbes today- Stewart-Pattinson Romance: True Love Or Box Office Brilliance? :
      http://www.forbes.com/sites/meghancasserly/2012/09/20/stewart-pattinson-reconciliation-true-love-or-box-office-brilliance/

      • nena

        I thought both of these were found to be false? It is strange. But if the quotes are a lie “people” isnt going to say oh we made a mistake tho, The Forbes article sounds like the guy thinks its PR is that what you got? You know what I think is interesting, many magazines and internet sites have said that some people think the whole thing was a set up by RS and LS yet their PR people have said nothing, you would think LS peeps at least would, being the scorned wife and all,

      • lizzy

        I don’t recall that the Dad’s quote was denied (it was quoted in People Magazine I think)- I do recall that the Leopold one was said to be fabricated and strongly denied, but I wonder if the statements weren’t said in a off-record chat of sorts and that Katie Hind simply ran with it. (That was a UK tab called ThePeople). It’s just odd to me someone would be able to make up a story, specifically using a name as a source, with no legal or career ramifications?
        Yeah, Forbes article sounds like they lean PR, though I don’t know if they are specifically talking about the “stunt” (whatever it is :-0) or the PR reconciliation in time for BD2. The article certainly makes it seem that a lack of reconciliation would decimate the sales for the final twi-chapter, doesn’t it?

      • nena

        yeah, the dads comment could be true, cuz he was trying to blow the whole thing off and trying to make Rug look good,sorta like oh she is so pretty what else could he do? oh what else could he do—–leave her alone!!!

      • Chancellor

        @nena: I read the Forbes article and I couldn’t tell if it ment they are only saying they are reconciling so the box office want get hit or that the entire romance was a PR stunt to get fans involved with real life people who played the characters so they could keep the interest up in the movie until the last one was over. Does that mean they are not going to get back together if the incident really happened? I am sooooo confused now.

      • nena

        I think that he thinks they were a real couple but then talking about the financial risk to having the stars really date and then what happens when that relationship breaks off, which would be so ironic because I think that it was Summit who wanted this in the first place, so it would really be justified if RP and KS got the sanders to do this punk to get back at the studio for starting this, like this is what happens if you screw with peoples lives. But then why did they both look so bad? I dont see why it really matters to KS and RP if BD2 does well, they already got paid didnt they? Maybe they were to get a part of the profit but isnt 30 million enough? who knows

      • http://twilightirruption.blogspot.com/ abbeysbooks

        It’s a very plausible speculation.

      • Chancellor

        @nena: Thanks nena. I see what you mean. In R and K’s contract they each get 12.5 million and 7.5 of the royalties from the movie. I guess they hope BD2 does well so they get more. Boy, I hope the scandal was a prank. I heard that maybe this was done by RS and LR without K and R’s concent. I also heard from a comment on GC that People mag is now saying the apology letter did not come to them directly from Kristen. It was given to them from a source that got it from Kristen. So that was probably fabricated like the pictures. I just wish they would say something.

      • nena

        yup. a tweet from the writer or whoever is all over twitter with the actual tweet saying that it came from a source.

    • Peony

      Just went through all your theories and speculations(they make better reading than all the actual articles/rubbish being churned out).I dont claim to be intelligent enough to actually post mortem the stunt(why/who/when/how).All that i know is the pictures are doctored/Kristen faced a backlash/Hearthrob broke up with her/SWATH producers dropped her(talk about stupidity ,shes the reason the movie ran)/There is a lot of speculation that heartthrob is actually meeting Kristen now.I think she should tell all the concerned people to go to #*^! and take a very deserved vacation from all this nonsense.She can come back and focus only on herself and her acting.I am sure all her true fans(and trust me they are actually a lot) are with her.

    • http://twitter.com/notthistwilight Catherine Dove

      Yeah, I’ve already heard that “secretly married” rumor a few times. Honestly, if I had been them, I may have already done the deed by now in secret, too. I sure as HELL wouldn’t have let any of my fans know, LoL!
      Of course this is all a huge publicity stunt, but it isn’t necessarily one that Robert, Kristen and especially ANY of their obsessed FANS signed up for! I worry about the hearts of these young girls who are getting jerked around by this stuff. And “the franchise” just makes me angrier with ALL the time and effort they have obviously been putting into saving BDp2. A little more actual caring for your fans would be nice, Stephenie! You KNOW these Twilight addictions were preventable. It’s time to start placing blame where it belongs – NOT Kristen Stewart or Hollywood’s stupid PR ways – Stephenie Meyer’s publishing company for publishing this saga so unprofessionally and in SUCH a (preventably) addictive way. Search “explaintwilightbreakingdawnending blogspot” for the details.

    • michaela correia

      eward i love you so much i have a lot of posters of you and bella and bella are you really pregnant