Well it’s that magical time of the day when we can discuss the latest rumors plaguing Hollywood’s most troubled on-again-off-again couple. Despite proclamations from almost everyone in the world that it’s time to move on from these two, the media seems determined to keep them in the news.
And as part of the horrible no-good obsessive media, I’m no different. I could write about Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross every single day for months! Oh what’s that? I have written about them every day for months!? You don’t say? I hadn’t realized that my fingers bled Kristen Stewart’s name from typing it so much. Wowza!
Where does my trophy get sent?I already know where I’ll display it! It will look great on my bed next to my life-size Honey Boo Boo Doll and the One Direction half-eaten toast I bought on eBay.
It’s just that I can’t get enough of these crazy kids. One second they’re dating and the next second they’re entangled in an alleged publicity stunt that helped boost their careers and ensure they’d get coverage for approximately a zillion days in a row. The geniuses who came up with this incredibly successful stunt better have a sore back. You know, from patting himself (herself?) on it all day.
Unless of course this isn’t a stunt and just an incredibly lucky accumulation of coincidences. In that case, Kristen, Rob, Rup and Libster must have the best karma in the entire world. Good on them!
Anyway, as you probably read today People magazine confirms that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are in the romantic process of reconciliation as we speak. Despite the fact that The Sun reported this over the weekend, no one really believed them. But now that People‘s all over it, everyone’s like “ZOMG, true love exists!” So now I’m all like, I suppose I should write about this even though we already covered it.
And then I’m like why write about this rehashed rumor when we can make up even MORE rumors! So here goes my brain on crack, or as the kids are saying these days, here comes the boom.
Prepare to see between 0 -9 of these rumors over the next few weeks.
1. Kristen Stewart decides not to reconcile with Robert Pattinson after he admits to fooling around with Liberty Ross on the exact same stretch of road where Kristen got caught cheating.
2. Robert Pattinson gets married to Texas woman named Roberta Pattinson, tells press that he found the name coincidence so charming that he couldn’t help but say yes when she proposed via Youtube video
3. Liberty Ross gets pregnant with real life vampire child, hires Kristen Stewart to be her nanny until she figures out what to do with her life.
4. Kristen Stewart agrees to do local theater production of The OC: Season 1. She’ll play the role of Marissa Cooper and Peter Gallagher will reprise his role as Sandy. Everyone else will be played by puppets.
5. Robert Pattinson looks soulfully at internet video of an otter playing with a shark and weeps for hours.
6. Jenni Maier murdered by passionate Robsten fans. Luckily she wrote her own obituary ahead of time. Unluckily no one understood her sarcastic tone, causing people to write something along the lines of ”you’re the worst human being alive” all over her gravestone.
7. Cee-Lo proposes to Kristen Stewart during an episode of The Voice. But before she can say yes, Britney Spears storms onto the set and is all like “Christina Aguilera, are we publicly feuding again or what?”
8. Law & Order: SVU films a “ripped from the headlines” upset about what happens when you upset Twilight fans. The dastardly vet from Beethoven stars as the defense attorney.
9. Kristen Stewart awkwardly hugs everyone in line during a trip to the grocery store in an effort to prove that’s just how she hugs people.
Have more rumors to add to this? Fax them over! Don’t have a fax! Go back to 1997 and buy one? Too poor for time travel? Ugh, you’re the worst. Just tell me in the comments.
(Photo: Ian Wilson/WENN.com)