So I just got off the pay phone with my friend. His cousin is co-worker’s with the woman who’s dating the broker who uses the same butcher as the broker who’s selling Reese Witherspoon’s $10 million cottage in Ojai, California.
Therefore you can assume that what I’m about to tell you is chock full of allegations, rumors, lies, deceit, scandal, metaphors, sloth-humor and hyperbole.
According to what will soon be urban legend, Reese Witherspoon felt forced to sell her house after the heartbroken Robert Pattinson moved out. While she planned to keep it in her family for many generations, she’s now realized that it’s cursed by the cheating scandal that rocked our nation. Even a celebrity vacation home couldn’t escape the trauma that photos of Kristen Stewart awkwardly hugging Rupert Sanders unleashed on us.
Yelp reviewers will confirm that as soon as you walk through the front door of the house, a cool mist envelopes you. No matter what mood you entered the house in, you suddenly feel despair and loneliness. Everything you ever believed in seems false and you start to question the very concept of love. Tears pour down your face, and before you know it you’re curled up in fetal position in the master bedroom questioning how a black hole relcoated itself from outer space into the place where your heart used to be.
For entire stretches of time you forget to breath as images of vampires float through the air.
“I just wanted to have a nice dinner with Reese Witherspoon and the kids!” you scream to the Saint of the Lost Hope as you suddenly get the sensation to spend an afternoon shopping with Taylor Lautner. Hours pass as you find yourself compelled to walk through the hallways — guided silently by a ghostly Jodie Foster who whispers words of encouragement in your ear. What’s that she said? “Get in the panic room?”
Flashes of Snow White and the Huntsman fly through our head as you attempt to instagram a photo of the pool area. Then finally Chris Hemsworth appears naked in the sauna. As you get closer and closer to approaching him, he turns into Rupert Sanders who turns into a bat.
Slowly you back out of the house and promise yourself to never return again. Even if Reese Witherspoon promises to make her signature potato salad.
And that’s why Reese Witherspoon allegedly has to sell her house.
(Photo: Carrillo, CelebrityHomePhotos.com)