Sometimes when I watch reality television, I think that no amount of money would ever be high enough for me to sell my soul in such a horrible and tasteless way.
Then I read articles like this one on Celebuzz and remember that privacy and dignity are totally overrated and totally ’90s. Turns out my soul does have a price tag. And it’s somewhere in the $450,000/season range. You know, what Vicki Gunvalson makes to create drama on The Real Housewives of Orange County.
You know who else makes insane amounts of money? Um, everyone you make fun of on TV every week.
The Duggar family, of 19 Kids and Counting, earn between $25,000 and $40,000 per episode. (Note that the Gosselin family was half as big and lived in suburban Pennsylvania, while the ever-expanding Duggar brood lives in rural Arkansas.)
Over on MTV, the stars of Teen Mom have been doing their part to perpetuate back-country stereotypes (or, if you prefer serve as cautionary tales), but for at least $60,000 per season. But that fee grew as the show aged. Last year, in court documents, Amber Portwood divulged that she was earning $140,000 per season, or $280,000 per year.
Meanwhile, in the higher property tax environs of New Jersey, the stars of Jersey Shore have been earning at least $30,000 per episode each. That adds up to $390,000 per season, or $780,000 per year, for each of the eight roommates.
While I’m toiling away in an underground blogging factory making up celebrity scandals and praying for leaked sex tapes, reality stars are raking it in. With a golden rake. They’re not even the people doing the raking. They make so much money that they hire people to rake it in for them.
Sure we’ve heard this all before, but seeing it in print on a Monday morning really makes my brain hurt. You can make hundreds of thousands of dollars by acting like a crazy person. If you’re already crazy, then it just seems unfair. That means all you have to do is wake up to make money.
But because I’m mentally-balanced and because I don’t excel at yelling at people for nonsensical things they did not do to me, I don’t get to make mad money for being myself.
I hate to sound like Lindsay Lohan, but life’s just so unfair. Can’t they arrest all these people for making me feel bad about my life choices?
(Photo: Bravo TV)