The Breaking Amish Cast Are Basically Living Out Their Freshmen Year Of College

Last week I compared  the cast of Breaking Amish to Girls. Initially I found them to be a bunch of fun-loving twenty-somethings trying to find themselves in New York City. It’s a tale as old as time that we never get sick of seeing. However I may have jumped the gun with that comparison. Not only are none of the kids trying to become a writer/journalist/assistant-to-a-devil-wearing-Prada, but they’re not even trying to be adults. They’re just trying to see how many rules they can break now that they’re out from under their parents’ watchful eyes.

Like freshmen in college, they’re going to go to the extremes trying to prove how mature they are — and if they’re anything like the college freshmen I know, they won’t stop until someone gets their stomach pumped out on Halloween while dressed as a slutty cupcake.

But before we get to that climatic moment later in the season (fingers crossed), let’s start at the beginning of the second episode. The part where Rebecca, Abe and Sabrina take a plane to New York City together despite the fact I’m pretty sure a bus would get you there more easily.  However I guess someone thought seeing three confused Amish kids trying to navigate their way around an airport would be far more entertaining.

Jeremiah and Kate arrive via train or bus or teleportation and the five kids meet up in their hotel. And just like that first day in the dorm, they’re all sizing each other up trying to figure out who they’re going to friend, who they’re going to fondle and who they’re going to force to cry by the end of the first night out.

Sure they’re all nice to each other’s faces, but put these kids in front of a camera and we’re looking at future real housewives. For example, Rebecca heard rumors that Kate would be the coolest, prettiest Amish rebel in the entire world. But when she finally meets her, it’s all like “Welcome to Disappointment City!” I mean, she’s fine, but she’s not hot. Naturally Rebecca’s very confused about what she heard through the Amish grapevine and what she sees in front of her.

Meanwhile, over in the boys’ hotel room, Jeremiah quickly tells us how much of a loser he thinks Abe is. The guy probably couldn’t even milk one cow, let alone butcher them all overnight and sell the meat on the black market to overpriced NYC grocery stores. Turn the wimp alert sirens on.

But nevertheless, they fearsome fivesome go out into the city together, because just like freshmen they have to pretend to like each other until they meet their real friends. And there’s no better way to do that than to start drinking. Within one commercial break, they’re drinking wine like professionals and using it as an excuse to gossip about each other. Like, did you know Rebecca wears fake teeth! And she likes Abe! And Abe likes her! But he’s too wimpy to ask her out!

Everyone’s already having so much fun. Except Rebecca. She hates drunk people. So that makes her the girl on your freshman year floor who glowers menacingly outside the bathroom door while you play hangover games with your head in the toilet. She’s probably also that girl who wakes the R.A up at 3 AM to make sure she can smell the weed wafting down the hall.

Kate’s the pretty girl who’s always like, “OMG I look like a hot mess, don’t judge me!” when you text her about meeting you in the dining hall for brunch — and then shows up looking completely put together. Perhaps one hair strand is astray. But her make-up reeks of someone who watched a Youtube tutorial on professional raccoon eyes.

Sabrina’s the follower. The girl who goes to every club meeting and every event in an attempt to find her place. She talks so much trash about everyone in an attempt to fit in that she has to transfer sophomore year. I’m just saying that based on her “I don’t care if someone else sleeps in a bed with me. Wait you care? Okay, then I care too! Sorry I misunderstood you, I mean I could care less where we sleep.”

Abe’s the guy who is going to experiment. Not so much with drinking and drugs, but with gender roles. He already told us he’s practically high shopping in the grocery store — a job usually left to Amish women. What’s next for him? Cooking? Cleaning? Conceiving a child? I mean, it’s TLC, so nothing’s off limits.

And Jeremiah’s the badass. The guy who gets everyone in legal trouble, disappears and leaves you to figure out his mess. Also he’s not even in college. He dropped out 6 years ago and just lingers around the dorm until fresmen take him up on his offer to buy them beer.

So yeah, welcome to Breaking Amish: The College Years. We’re going to have so much fun!

Share This Post: