What you are about to watch is a man explaining in ASL (American Sign Language) why the Bible says it’s bad to masturbate, set to R. Kelly‘s “Ignition (Remix).” Yeah, my brain kind of exploded, too. Here’s how I understand the chain of events that led to this can’t-look-away video:
1) Jehovah Witnesses made an anti-masturbation PSA aimed specifically at those who are hard of hearing.
2) Because there’s no audio, some helpful internet genius decided to add in some slow jams.
3) And now the video is so ironic because you have these people miming jerking off while R. Kelly croons, “So baby gimme that toot toot / Lemme give you that beep beep.”
SO GREAT, RIGHT? But as you can tell, it takes a little while to grasp exactly what has happened here. That’s why we had to highlight some of the best comments in the original Reddit thread, as the commenters went through the stages of horror, amusement, and sharing their own personal experiences with JWs:
fuckidontevencare: God damn. They’re already deprived of hearing. Why take another simple pleasure away?
Gioware: God. Plan.
Morvis42: Is it bad of me that I saw the word masturbation in the same line as ASL and thought Age/Sex/Location and NOT American Sign Language?
KakunaUsedHarden: Umm … what’s he saying at the part where he clearly cums on his chest and then rubs it around and then is like OH SHIT GROSS I JUST RUBBED SEMEN ALL OVER ME?
reddittrunks: I like how masturbation is bad because it is selfish but cutting friends out of your life isn’t lulz
Bokeunoenpitsu: Nope [which linked to...]
FeculentUtopia: The only sin here is that guy has hands that talented and they will never, ever be used to get anybody off.
Im_not_ready: Except he probably faps like nobody’s business.
funilingus: As a lady, I can confirm that this is absolutely how I lady-wank. Wicky wicky wack.
dlan4327: It’s amazing that you put a man to R Kelly and he instantly becomes so suave.
kidgoldenarm: Well… You wouldn’t want them to end up BLIND and deaf.
Redditor jcopacetic also wrote up a rough translation of the ASL so you can understand what exactly the really expressive guy in the beginning of the video is saying. I’m glad to see that my college ASL is pretty intact, as I was able to follow the general gist being “You want to masturbate instead of having sex? That’s wrong! I know it’s tempting, but you need to fight it. And if your friends still do it, cut them out of your life.” Wow, harsh, guys.
And then someone went and made a Gangnam Style remix. Bless you, internet.